Weekly Volcano Blogs: Walkie Talkie Blog

May 1, 2014 at 9:49am

Judging by the Trailer: "The Amazing Spider-Man 2"

Spider-Man does the same things Spider-Man always does.

Recommend Blog Post
Total Recommendations (0)

Can I be honest with you, for just a moment? Usually, this column is full of blowhard nonsense that just comes from a deep insecurity in my abilities as an artist, thus necessitating my shitting on films that I will never see. This week, I interviewed Ira Glass. Ira fucking Glass. I've been holding my breath to puff my chest out, and now I'm deep into a bottle of whiskey. It feels great.

And now, reality reaches out and gives me a wet willy, because I've been FORCED to watch the trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man 2. I never saw the first (read: fourth) Spider-Man movie, because I magically found better things to do with my time than watch a reboot of a five-year-old franchise. What I gathered from the brunette, be-hoodied Peter Parker was that Spider-Man was finally being given the completely necessary Dark Knight treatment. Everything is gloomy and sad in comic book world, just like your miserable life! Cartoons!

Here, we find ourselves at the threshold of what Marvel has promised to be a series of sequels and offshoots that will distract us from financial ruin for at least another 15 years. Instead of bread and circuses, we get multiple yearly superhero extravaganzas that increasingly lean less toward escapism and more in the direction of human despair. In response, Lars Von Trier was heard to have sighed and swiftly taken an eraser to his chalkboard.

Jamie Foxx is featured in this film as a human Otter Pop, fully completing his arc from In Living Color to Oscar winner to middling comic book villain. Part of me suspects that his music video with Ron Howard is at fault. Paul Giamatti also dons a CGI rhino suit, in a move that would have made his Sideways character commit suicide with a wine bottle.

Raul Julia let his swan song be the Street Fighter movie, because his kids talked him into it. For future reference: your kids are assholes. Every movie could be your last, so err on the side of not letting that movie feature you in a goofy rhino costume.

comments powered by Disqus

About this blog

News and entertainment from Joint Base Lewis-McChord’s most awesome weekly newspapers - The Ranger, Northwest Airlifter and Weekly Volcano.

Recent Comments

Walkie Talkies said:

Thanks for posting! But I want say that Walkie Talkies are really required while organizing fun...

about COMMENT OF THE DAY: "low brow’s" identity revealed?

Humayun Kabir said:

Really nice album. I have already purchased Vedder's Album. Listening to the song of this album,...

about Eddie Vedder’s "Ukulele Songs" available today - and I don’t hold a candle to that shit

AndrewPehrson said:

Your post contains very beneficial content. Kindly keep sharing such post.

about Vote for Tacoman Larry Huffines on HGTV!

Shimul Kabir said:

Vedder's album is really nice. I have heard attentively

about Eddie Vedder’s "Ukulele Songs" available today - and I don’t hold a candle to that shit

marble exporters in India said:

amazing information for getting the new ideas thanks for sharing a post

about 5 Things To Do Today: Art Chantry, DIY home improvement, "A Shot In The Dark" ...

Archives

2021
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September
2020
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2019
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2018
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2017
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2016
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2015
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2014
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2013
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2012
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2011
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2010
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2009
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2008
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2007
January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December
2006
March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, December