Weekly Volcano Blogs: Walkie Talkie Blog

August 21, 2013 at 4:54pm

Judging by the Trailer: "You're Next"

Silent-but-deadly "You're Next" killers, aka Scary Wolf Mask, Scary Tiger Mask and Scary Lamb Mask (what, was the store out of Scary Hamster Mask?)

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You're Next's first offense comes swift and unexpectedly, as Lou Reed's beautiful "Perfect Day" scores the opening moments of a truly lousy trailer to what will assuredly be an even lousier movie - creating an effect similar to a pig wearing makeup (more on that later, unfortunately), or a turd wearing a really nice hat.

Oof, and we're still only five seconds in.

A WASP-y family descends upon a ridiculous palatial estate in the woods for the weekend. What could go wrong?

Well, reader, not a moment after I start to suspect that this might be some sort Mike Nichols, Masterpiece Theatre, slamming-doors drama about the haves and the have-nots and what it really means to be an extended family in today's ever-changing - HOLY JESUS IS THAT A DUDE IN A CRAZY ANIMAL MASK LURKING OUTSIDE THE WINDOW?

Before you know it, arrows are being fired through the windows of the palatial estate, while interchangeable actors make intonations like, "This wasn't a random attack" and "They've been watching us for days," and various versions sounds you might make when someone suddenly shoots you in the head with a crossbow.

Guys, it's full-on dudes with animal masks and axes and other not-quite-ideal killing implements. And you know what else? "Perfect Day" is back on the soundtrack, and now I TOTALLY GET IT, man! It's, like, irony? Because this is not like any sort of perfect day that I would imagine if given an opportunity to imagine a perfect day!

I don't think animal masks would even enter into it, honestly.

I learn from every press release and commercial I've seen of You're Next that it's somehow a fresh take on the "home invasion genre." Well. Huh. While I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt that that may be the case, I'll also say that - now that humans have apparently invented the home invasion genre - maybe it's time we just pack it in and call it a day as a species.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll just grab my bunny mask and mosey on out of h-ACK! (That's the sound of me getting shot with a crossbow.)

You're Next hits the local screens Friday, Aug. 23.

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