By Rev. Adam McKinney on April 2, 2012


Something happened, recently, that never needed to happen. I re-watched Titanic at three in the morning, on HBO. Another thing that never needed to happen? Titanic getting re-released in gloriously miserable 3D. I hope all of you are looking forward to seeing that CGI iceberg (which, by the way, DOES NOT hold up) coming right at your face.

Here are some stray observations I made while watching the interminably long and tonally confusing Titanic: first off, Rose is totally, unequivocally responsible for Jack's death. I know that everyone remembers her lying on that floating door, Jack realizing that there's not enough room for both of them, and Rose eventually letting go of Jack's frozen hand. Fine. But, what people may not remember is that Rose has the opportunity to get into a life boat, and then stupidly jumps back on the ship to be with Jack. Guess who would've gotten that floating door if she had stayed on that boat? Probably fucking Jack.

Also, there are several hilarious moments of foreshadowing about the fate of the ship. Example: "Captain, if we shut off the lights, we won't be able to see any objects that may be approaching. Plus, going at this speed, we'll never be able to avoid them," says the first mate. After a pause, the Captain responds, "Well, I'm off to bed."

Hahaha, fuck you.

As for the trailer, well, all your friends are back again. The unsinkable Molly Brown, the cartoonishly villainous Billy Zane (where did he disappear to?), and the unthinkably old Gloria Stuart (as the unthinkably old Kate Winslet). You'll laugh, you'll thrill, you'll cry, you'll get tears all over your dumb 3D glasses, you'll try and clean them off, but that'll just make them dirtier, and then you'll leave with numb ass. Then you'll wait a couple years for James Cameron to continue his gradual poisoning of the art of film. Ship of dreams, indeed.

LINK: Now playing in the South Sound