Weekly Volcano Blogs: Walkie Talkie Blog

April 5, 2012 at 12:30pm

DERBY RECAP: Dockyard Dames Season Opener vs. Steph DeRosa

MARAUDING MOLLYS: The roller derby team beat The Trampires at the Dockyard Derby Dames Season 6 opener Saturday at Pierce College. Photo credit: Steph DeRosa

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IT HAPPENED SATURDAY IN LAKEWOOD >>>

As if you all didn't already know, I'm incapable of doing two things at once.  That is, with the exception of drinking a cold tallboy while inconspicuously checking out a guy's ass, but that's about all I'm good at doing simultaneously (wink, wink).

A prime example might be this past weekend at the Dockyard Derby Dames Season 6 opening bout.  It was my debut as an announcer for the DyDD bouts and Holy Toledo, Batman - I was excited!

So excited, in fact, that I hardly paid attention to the bouts.

I mean, at first I tried to jot down the dynamics of the first two jams between The Trampires and Marauding Mollys, but after the initial sounds of hearing my own voice on the loud speaker I was hooked.

Co-announcers Phil Dirt and James T. Jerk assigned me to be a part of the crowd and it was my duty to interact and infiltrate whatever information I could get from spectators.  Every other jam, which is approximately every 5 minutes, the dynamic duo would throw my name out there and ask what I was up to.

Naturally, I had a load of fun interacting with the standing room only crowd that packed the Pierce College Health Ed Center this past Saturday night.

The Weekly Volcano Hot Spot located inside the beer garden had injured Femme Fianna, men leaving for Afghanistan, and one of my favorite Femme Fianna OG's, Louda Than Bombs.

Throughout the night I rubbed elbows with the boyfriend of Weekly Volcano's sexiest athlete (Hit O' Honey) and his friend in a purple spandex full-body suit.  I even made him knock on his penis area to prove he was wearing a cup. 

You see, I was way too busy taking care of very important cup checks and simply could not administer any sort of focus on the Dockyard Derby Dame bout before me.

For this, my dear roller derby fans, I apologize.

I will, however, recap for you the fact that the sound system went out before the first bout began resulting in the National Anthem being sang a cappella (and without speakers) by the talented Harm A. Knee of Hellbound Homewreckers.

Twiggie Smalls surprised the crowd with an impromptu wedding ceremony involving her fiancé, The Henchman. They were both on skates. (Go figure.)

Marauding Mollys definitely got the award for largest fan attendance with Hellbound Homewreckers coming in a close second.

Femme Fianna skated their hearts out with a completely new team. That's right: Fresh Meat.

In the end, one thing I can tell you is that I had a blast getting to know everyone in the crowd and plugging my favorite alternative newsweekly, Weekly Volcano.

If only I could do both things at once.  Le sigh.

Anyway, here are the final scores:

Bout 1:

The Trampires - 147

Marauding Mollys - 222

Bout 2:

Femme Fianna - 76

Hellbound Homewreckers - 229

LINK: More photos from Dockyard Derby Dames Season 6 opener

Filed under: Sports, Lakewood, Tacoma,

Comments for "DERBY RECAP: Dockyard Dames Season Opener vs. Steph DeRosa" (7)

Weekly Volcano is not responsible for the content of these reviews. Weekly Volcano reserves the right to remove reviews at their discretion.

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Hit-O-Honey said on Apr. 05, 2012 at 12:56pm

I'm so, so, so happy that you are the roaming announcer, Steph. Even if that means we aren't blessed with your lovely recaps.

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emma P. said on Apr. 05, 2012 at 1:37pm

I thought this was going to be an informative little article. Maybe recapping a bit of a great season opener ( the tremendous upset to the reigning champions, the Trampires?) but instead we get treated to penis knocking and sexy spandex asses.

These women skate and work very hard and are tremendous athletes, please don't do them a disservice by writing such trite nonsense.

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Steph DeRosa said on Apr. 05, 2012 at 4:54pm

Dear Emma P. ,
Having poor reading comprehension skills as an adult must be difficult and embarrassing. I'll give you a pass on this one, but next time pay better attention and check yourself before commenting with such trite nonsense.

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creepy leprechaun said on Apr. 06, 2012 at 12:41am

I was there and was glad they had the extra voice again this year. You were easy to understand and very consice (spelling ?) and the only problem I had with you on the floor was not being able to see you. Next bout wear flashy colours, show more cleavege or wear Spice Girl shoes. It slows you down on the stairs but puts you slightly above the crowds.
As for your recap article...well, how much space does the editor allow? How much info can the general public understand? If you gave Jam by Jam reports, you would have to take notes and you'd not be able to be ready to talk to the fans. And whilst the skaters are atheletes and what they are doing is extrodinary it still comes down to hot women in teeny out fits hitting each other.
Why is derby growing faster than the WNBA??? Hot women in potatoe sacks not hitting each other is rather boring. If they were wearing the same uniforms from the 70's which were booty shorts and teeny tank tops, you'd have more audiance. Scary that those guys wore such things back then and we were fine with it.

what was I saying? oh yeah, boobs, and the fact that in a world where you are supposed to be just like everyone else, derby attracts those of us who don't like "Mainstream" so Derby is not like other sports which means the reporting of it should also not be like other sports. The score tells you the outcome, and it takes a bit to keep track of who led in the first period and when the lead changed and why. Heck, I've been a Mascot for three years and am finally figuring out what some of the detail rules are.

So, be excited, don't focus too much on details, report on the mood, and show some skin. That should make you a fine reporter and comentator and all around good citizen.

What other kind of advice were you expecting from The Creepy Leprchaun?

stay warm.

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KAke said on Apr. 06, 2012 at 8:47am

Doxy Crux skated and worked very hard when she was a Femme Fianna, waaaay back in the beginning, and totally knew that trite nonsense was half the fun. And... she got injured so badly that she no longer competes, but still supports and keeps up with ALL her her Derby Dame family. Hey wait a minute... Steph DeRosa, isn't one of your alter persona's named.... DOXY CRUX? Yeah, I thought so... ps: SPANDEX RULZ! Especially when it's on asses!

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Laura said on Apr. 07, 2012 at 8:12am

I think it be pretty hard to do a minute by minute recap while trying to work the crowd as the third announcer. You did a great job! Maybe you can ask a couple of the dames what they think the highlight of their bout was. I bet you they would all have some pretty different answers. Those girls are great at complimenting each other.

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Zoe Dodge said on Apr. 10, 2012 at 9:35am

Ah, I thought this bout was amazing, everyone did their best. Femme Fianna Did amazing <3 skated their hearts out with the new team. Love my mom @strangerDanger I LOVE YOU DOCKYARD!

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