Weekly Volcano Blogs: Walkie Talkie Blog

December 4, 2010 at 12:12pm

PETTY QUESTIONS: Who Wants Yesterday's Paper?

Petty Questions: A weekly advice column about pet peeves and trivial matters

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The answer is "nobody in the world," according to The Rolling Stones' "Yesterday's Papers," off of Between the Buttons. That is also the answer to "Who wants yesterday's girl?" Personally I think The Stones are great, both sonically and in terms of everything else. That song comes right before "Ruby Tuesday," so there you go.

Hi Owen, I've got a question. What is Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum ("The Original," specifically)? Have you ever had this? I just keep seeing ads for it everywhere all of a sudden.

---What Would Jerry Drink? Rum.

WWJDR, let me say first for full disclosure that Sailor Jerry Original Flavor Spiced Rum runs ads in the Weekly Volcano.

So, what is Jerry's Original Spiced Rum? Let me break it down and run it back for you:

Sailor Jerry is a man -- but he is no ordinary man. He is unlike any living man. Sailor Jerry is a dead man. In a former life he fought as one of the select Napoleon's Moors at Austerlitz. In a more recent past life he did tattoos in Hawaii.

You know The Stones' album "Tattoo You?" Sailor wrote that entire album on some tramp's back, years before Mick Jagger or Keiff Richards were born. Before gramophones were invented, before lyrics.

The Who song, "Tattoo?" Sailor inked it in a later-Victorian opium den, seized by a delirium fit from all the pills he took to keep a steady hand. Parkinson's threatened to devour Ol' Sailor Guy. He died quietly surrounded by family and friends at his quiet Hyannis Port compound.

Rumor has it he pulled the plug himself. Most rumors are not true---but some are. This one is not true. Dr. Fitzpatrick shut off life support at Sailor's request, which (all debates on medical ethics aside) is extremely illegal.

Fitzy is long gone by now, because according to American law he killed a man. Supposedly Argentina does not extradite. Supposedly bounty hunters have to play by the rules. If you were a bounty hunter who accepts US cash dollars, the Sailor Jerry estate would prefer that you play by the rules. But they will not complain. Here is what they can offer you as pay: solid cash bucks.

To answer your question a little more specifically, though, "The Original Sailor" Jerry Spiced Rum is kind of like Captain Morgan Spiced Rum except more alcoholic and different. Both are inspired by real sea people.

How do you fill a Zippo? I thought I was doing it right, but now my lighter smells like lighter fluid. I think it's leaking on me, and I worry about danger. What's the proper way to do it?

---Zippo Internal Problems Puh Oi!

Hey ZIPPO! Thanks for writing in about your Zippo, ZIPPO! You are a clever man (or lady, only Godcreator Gaia knows), and I applaud you.

Here's how to properly fill a Zippo, ZIPPO! First, click open that lid. Second, pull out the whole lighter apparatus thing out of the shell. Look at the bottom. You will find a cloth thing partially screwed into more cloth. Grab your lighter fluid (Ronsonol preferred). Slowly pry the spout open with a paper clip. Careful---it could blow at any minute. It's safe, for now. But you're not out of the woods yet, buddy. Don't worry, I'm here to guide you. In one hand, hold the lighter fluid; in the other, open the cloth flap. With the utmost precision, with as much care as you can muster, slowly raise your arm and---this is key---call Leavitt & Pierce, tobacconists, Harvard Square. They will you're your professionally fill your Zippo, for free! OK, hold on. This next part gets kind of tricky.

You've got an advice column. You seem like a ladies' man. What's the best way to woo a girl, would you say?

---Need Help With Girls

NHWG, I sympathize with your problem, I really do. Perhaps I even empathize or have the exact same problem. But this column isn't about me, it's about you.

But actually on the note of this column: I know this is pressing, and I'm flattered you thought of me. However, this column really is geared towards the more trivial, pet peeve-y, "petty" kind of "question," if you catch my drift. Dem's the rules.

I like you, though, so I'll answer your question. What's the best way to get that gal? Easy -- personality, humor, general handsomeness, easy-goingness, hard-to-getness, gifts. A wise man once said to simply be your self. Sometimes that works. Hope this helps!

In next week's issue: villainy in Montmartre! A chase along the Seine! You should really check us out, it'll be really cool.

Please direct questions to: askpettyquestions@gmail.com.

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News and entertainment from Joint Base Lewis-McChord’s most awesome weekly newspapers - The Ranger, Northwest Airlifter and Weekly Volcano.

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