Sometime in the early ‘90s, a young me celebrated New Year’s Eve by sitting alone in the TV room watching a Nickelodeon marathon. A little over 10 years later, I celebrated by getting drunk and passing out in the bathroom of a downtown sandwich shop. That’s basically the full spectrum of my track record with New Year’s Eve. Rarely does a year rise above the mild accomplishment of that Nickelodeon filled evening of my youth.
Let’s face it: New Year’s Eve is inherently flawed as a holiday. To its detriment, it is the most fervently built-up party you experience all year. The pressure to find an amazing party, drink champagne, kiss someone at midnight (more on this later), dress babies in sashes and generally revel in merriment is oppressively high.
Keeping this all in mind, here are some ideas to ensure that your New Year’s Eve will be not only a success, but a memorable one — and for all the right reasons.
Settle Scores
Look, you can’t enter 2010 in the red. How could you live with yourself in the New Year if you know someone got one over on you? Take advantage of this rare opportunity to enact every revenge fantasy that has been growing in your head for the past 365 days.
I know what you’re saying to yourself, and no, there will be no repercussions. And hey, it’s not as if I’m promoting violence. Right? Right. All I’m suggesting is some perfectly harmless but soul-satisfying vengeance. Want an example? You got one.
Of course, you can always go the route of covering your victim’s toilet seat with plastic wrap, or pouring sugar in their gas tank, but why limit yourself? This day only comes once a year; think big! Let’s say your roommate consistently finishes the milk without replacing it and refuses to clean the shower drain. Short of beating them with a pillowcase full of doorknobs or severing their brake-line, I’d say your best response is to drug them, strip them naked, and trap them in a cavern with some sort of man-eating gelatinous blob.
But these are just suggestions. You can feel free to get creative.
Bring a Mirror
Where are all the lonely, awkward single guys at?
Guys, are you like me? Don’t bother answering; you are. You know when that ball drops, it’ll be a race against time to find someone desperate enough to kiss you. But you’ll choke like you always do, so you should come prepared to turn this public failure into a personal victory (as well as a public failure).
Bring a mirror! It could be a handheld model or full-length — in case you want something to wrap your arms around. When the clock strikes midnight, press your lips up against that glass and ring in the New Year with the only person who’s always there for you: You.
Reinvent Yourself
Really, how happy are you with your current persona? Personally, mine’s wearing a little thin. That’s why we’re so fortunate to have a holiday dedicated to the reinvention of the self. Most people interpret this as a time to make half-assed pledges about quitting smoking or some other such bull-pucky. Don’t sell yourself short! You can be completely different, and it’s as easy as following the three steps of brainwashing:
- The tearing down of the self. (Not that hard. Unless you have integrity, which you don’t.)
- The promise of salvation. (Won’t it feel great when you can wear that cape/ sarong/body glitter you’ve always wanted?)
- The rebuilding of the self. (Walk into that bright New Year a better and probably more interesting you.)
Starting Jan. 1, you can start referring to me by my new persona: Fuzzy Cogitator, P.I.