In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you make it through another awkward Thanksgiving dinner with your dysfunctional, mildly alcoholic family.

It's not the most important job, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, along with making the green bean casserole, it's our life's work 

This week's Ragnet takes us to Auburn, a place where getaways sometimes go wrong.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Auburn has been called a lot of things over the years. Smart and full-of-teeth aren't usually included in that list of adjectives.

Late last week we got a good example of why this is true - at least when it comes to Auburn's collective IQ, especially among crooks. The teeth thing was just a meth joke. ... Sorry. I couldn't help myself.

According to published reports, on the morning of Thursday, Nov. 18, four suspects from Auburn, later determined to be ages 19-24, attempted to burglarize a house near the 10900 block of Southeast 284th Street. I'm pretty sure this is somewhere near the SuperMall - according to our research, everything in Auburn is somewhere near the SuperMall.

Unfortunately for this band of thieves, a neighbor witnessed the group's illegal endeavors and called police, also providing police with a description of their car and the license plate number. Police were able to locate the burglars a little while later on 104th Avenue Southeast.

As we've learned is a common reaction from less-than-bright crooks, when the lights of the responding police officers‘ cars went on, the group panicked - they  refused to pull over and led cops on a chase through the streets of Auburn. While we can't verify that the group was listening to Linkin Park during the chase, an informal survey of criminal profilers suggests it is highly likely.

When the chance arose, the suspected thieves ditched their car near the Auburn Golf Course and took off on foot. Two of the four suspects were apprehended near the vehicle, which turned out to have been reported stolen. One of the four suspects got away and is still wanted by police.

Without question, these were the three luckiest of the group - even the two captured suspects.

The fourth suspect, you see, had apparently seen The Fugitive one too many times. Auburn's Green River, which officials say was moving close to nine mph at the time with temperatures in the low 40s, seemed inviting as he attempted to escape on foot, and he took the plunge - a decision that was the beginning of his demise.

Instead of a thrilling getaway, what this suspected crook got was a massive rescue effort. A concerned citizen reported seeing something in the Green River around 8 a.m., which triggered a Swift Water response team from King County and 26 firefighters from agencies all over the area to converge on Isaac Evans Park.

Once there, what they found was our suspected crook.

After some maneuvering, and with firefighters stationed all along the riverbanks, the responders were able to get a boat out to the trapped suspect and pull him to safety.

And arrest.

And, if all is right with the world, a life of constant ridicule from friends and family. - Dick Kimble, River Getaway Crime Correspondent