This election cycle has brought out some of the most low-down, dirty, despicable cases of shit-talking we've seen since iCON The Mic King knocked Copywrite's ass out cold in front of a hundred spectators at Scribble Jam following its world famous MC Battle. With that in mind, we felt it best to sit at McCoy's Cavern in Olympia this Friday, home of the Longest Happy Hour in Town, with the esteemed Hillbilly, Bartender Extraordinaire & Political Savant, and hammer out the logistics of this clusterfuck we call "free and democratic elections."

Let's preface this unread sardonic piece of op-ed pseudo-journalistic trash, however.

We are tired of the woe-is-me cowardice of the Democrats. We are tired of the absolute non-cooperation of the Republicans. We are tired of the demonizing. We are tired of the witchcraft and fear-mongering. We are tired of the overt racism masquerading as get-tough immigration policy, and the absolute reckless homophobia masquerading as "American Christian Values."

Really, we are mainly looking forward to the end of this non-stop visual and audio assault from every non-profit political engineering group with an extra couple hundred thousand dollars to throw around trying to get one of their cronies into a mutually beneficial position of power.

Think we're joking? Read this report about private corporations and special interest groups writing bills for publicly elected officials. 

We long for the days of being hocked new cars and dick pills while watching the evening news or the game, and not some asshole talking about how their opponent is the REAL asshole instead of spelling out solutions to the myriad of problems the American populace is being forced to stomach.

This may be a moot point, seeing as here at El Vacio Moral World Headquarters and Plumbing Emporium (hey, ‘economic downturn,' yo; we gotta pay the bills) we love nothing more than pushing every single little thing we can possibly squeeze into our schedules back to the last millisecond, but we felt that we should perhaps give our esteemed readership a quick and easy guide to our views on progressive voting in this mid-term election.

As far as we've been able to discern, it doesn't really matter anymore who wins or loses, because they aren't really gonna do a damn thing for you anyways except stuff portions of your taxes into their IRA's and toss a few crumbs out during key photo-op junkets with the proletariats.

Do you really think we're joking? Click this link to Roll Call's report on the 2009 financial disclosures of your friendly US Senators. 

So here are the El Vacio Moral's Endorsements on the few key issues and races we see before us. If it's not covered here, we like the incumbent, don't live in that district, or really we're just too drunk to give a shit or understand it. 

First, the Dreaded Initiatives:

I-1082: HELL NO! As someone who has personally suffered a debilitating back injury, I was personally saved by the Worker's Comp program in another state after being laid up for six months. Had my employer not been required to pay into it, I would've been shit out of luck. Granted, they made me jump through a lot of hoops, and I eventually chose to re-enter the workforce rather than sit around for 90 more days waiting for my appeal. But whatever. While the initiative doesn't change the mandatory requirement, it does grant Insurance Companies more lee-way and influence. You can't drive a car without insurance, and come 2013, you won't be able to live in America without health insurance, and we believe those bastards have it good enough denying people coverage as it is. 

I-1098: TAX THOSE RICH BASTARDS! Our state faces an economic challenge similar to most states in our fair union right now - and, indeed, our fair union as a whole - and the fact of the matter is this: if the lowest on the rung have to wade through all the shit that the record profits of the rich have thrown at them in exchange for "employment," then the rich assholes need to pay their fair share. You can cry to me all you want about the "economic risks" your billions face, but you'll never come down to our little shady section of the hood and drink a beer on our stoop. That's why you have those big fences and gates around your secluded houses, and that's why you need to pay the fuck up.

I-1100: FREE THE BOOZE! There's no argument against it other than fear. If you're in the liquor/beer/wine business, and the ability to have 300% more outlets to possibly move your product in a more competitive market scares you - you think it will put you out of business - then may I suggest getting into the Mid-Mall Cell-Phone Kiosk market. Don't open a business if you're not willing to risk closing it. Kids already drink. Stop being afraid and do what's sensible.

I-1105: NO THANKS. The tax re-structuring of this is a bit hit or miss, and it does mostly the same as 1100, although you could vote yes just to fuck with the politicians if both initiatives pass.

I-1107: HELL NO. We are in the middle of a budget crisis. You want to repeal a miniscule tax on bottled water and snack food? Buy a Britta filter and start eating healthier you shemp!

And now, on to the Crucial Candidates:

MURRAY VS. ROSSI: GO, PATTY, GO! We remember when Patty decided to leave the State Legislature, put on the tennis shoes, and run all the way to the US Senate. "Pobody's Nerfect," as William Murderface of Deathklok could tell you, but Dino Rossi's less than enthusiastic approach to running for this office should belie the fact he has failed to get elected in his last few bids for office. This is no time for a nostalgic win. Patty has fought hard and delivered, and the crux of the argument is that Washington State would lose the number four seat in Senate Leadership to put a freshman in. Although Rossi is an experienced former legislator, we can't afford him at this critical point in our nation's political climate.

HECK VS. HERRARA: GIVE EM HECK DENNY! Denny Heck has been running a very simple platform: JOBS ARE HIS #1 PRIORITY. As a former legislator who has been very successful in the private sector for the last 20 years since leaving office, he has delivered. Jaime Herrara believes the economic crisis we've been facing is a result of TOO MUCH REGULATION. Funny, we thought seeing Alan Greenspan's tail thrust between his legs when he admitted being wrong about his Ayn Rand inspired "free market totalitarianism" would've been a bigger part of the Republican Tea Party Phrase Book for Potential Candidates. Guess we were wrong. SO ARE THEY. 

Owen Taylor is tired. Very tired. He's also the only hack Volcano editor Matt Driscoll knows crazy enough to take the job as political correspondent. Thankfully, he's got enough underworld connections to make it interesting. El Vacio Moral is Taylor's weekly court-ordered therapy session where he rants about his dwindling faith in the government to get anything right. You can find it here at weeklyvolcano.com on Fridays, definitely after noon. Taylor is also the mastermind behind fuckinghater.com, which is as brilliant as the name implies.