In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job- we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps fill your mind with something other than Tosh.0 and "Tacos at Midnight" Doritos.

It's not the most important of jobs, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk - along with trying desperately to increase our sex appeal enough to hopefully be included in next year's Volcano Most Sexy Issue - it's our life's work.

This week's Ragnet takes us to Point Defiance Park - a great place for a "consensual rendezvous."

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Consensual rendezvous gone wrong

On Tuesday, March 2, the Internet blogosphere lit up with the news: "Police activity at Point Defiance Park."

Naturally, here at the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk, speculation ran rampant. Could the penguins at the zoo be cooking meth? Might the geese finally have gotten busted for shiting all over the place? Had the Pagoda been turned into a makeshift whorehouse?

As it turns out, though, it was something far more interesting.

According to published reports, a park visitor - identified as a bystander - called 911 on Tuesday afternoon, telling police they'd seen a naked woman tied to a tree near Owen Beach. The "bystander" also reported seeing a man nearby. This discovery was enough to make the upstanding citizen suspect something was horribly wrong - leading to the 911 call.

In short order, authorities arrived at Point Defiance Park. Before long, all entrances and exits were blocked, and police were investigating - looking, we suppose, for the naked woman tied to a tree or any signs of foul play. The Internet waited with bated breath for news.

Soon, it was revealed both parties in the sordid, tied-up-to-a-tree nakedness had been contacted, and the details were being "sorted out." The sigh of relief was probably audible, as the sorting out of details rarely means the discovery of a gruesome sexual crime. After the sigh came peaked interest.

What exactly was being "sorted out"?

After a few curious moments - where speculation once again ran rampant at Weekly Volcano World Headquarters (this time, though, speculation unfit for print), the Internet reports were updated - and exactly what happened became at least a little clearer.

According to Tacoma Police spokesman Mark Fulghum, both parties had, indeed, been "contacted" by police after the initial 911 call. However, and luckily, what the "bystander" had seen was a naked woman, a man nearby, and a tree - but it was a "consensual rendezvous in the park," according to Fulghum.

Well, consensual between everyone but the tree, we suppose. Trees can't have consensual sex.

While no word has leaked out yet as to whether the woman was actually tied to the tree or not, we'd still like to take a moment to give props to kinky, Tuesday afternoon park sex for making our workday more interesting. - PDA Jones, Public Sex Crimes Correspondent