In every issue of this fine rag my hack team of wannabe journalists and I tackle some of the most laughable criminal acts that have recently happened in our area. Then - if we're doing our job - we write about those crimes in a way that makes you chuckle, or at the very least helps you think about something other than how much holly, jolly debt you incurred this holiday season.

It's not the most important of jobs, but someone has to do it. At the Weekly Volcano Crime Desk - along with providing batteries to kids all over the South Sound that got remote control cars for Christmas that won't run without them - it's our life's work.
This week's Ragnet takes us to Centralia, where nothing seems sacred.

Enjoy. - Matt Driscoll

Thieving the "reason for the season"

I'm not sure how it took us so long to find it, but when it comes to ridiculous criminal fodder for these Ragnet columns, there's a goldmine just to the south.

It's called the Centralia and Chehalis area - and when it comes to mundane criminal stupidity, its cup runneth over.

Take for instance this gem, reported on by the Chehalis Chronicle on Tuesday, Dec. 22.
According to published reports in the Chronicle, "a few" Centralia citizens have recently felt the wrath of holiday burglars - who've made a habit in past years of targeting holiday yard ornaments with reckless abandon. Last week, for example, 82-year-old Betty Reichert became the latest victim - losing a large snowman decoration from her yard, in addition to the real kicker of this story - a lawn sized Baby Jesus.

Yes, it's true - a criminal in Centralia really did go there. Not only did they make off with a holiday themed snowman decoration from Reichert's yard, but those bastards stole a little, replicated Baby J himself.

It's enough to make an 82-year-old woman from Centralia wonder what the world is coming to.

Apparently, though, this is not the first time Reichert has been targeted. According to the Chronicle, only two years ago Reichert was forced to hold her own when criminals targeted decorations in her yard that year. Luckily, in 2007 she was able to scare the crooks off by beating on her window and hollering like an 80-year-old woman.   

This year, however, Reichert is 82 - perhaps a hair slower. Maybe the crooks realized this, and maybe this is why she was targeted? Or, just as likely, it's just cruel coincidence - and there's no obvious explanation as to why a poor old lady from Centralia can't keep a lawn sized Baby Jesus in her yard without worry.

"Each time the holidays come around we experience an increased amount of theft," Centralia Police Department Commander Bob Willey is quoted as saying in the Chronicle. "Even the bad guys need Christmas presents."

Unfortunately, Willey is right. We guess this means criminals will be giving a large percentage of holiday yard ornamentation this year in Centralia - maybe even Betty Reichert's yard size Baby Jesus.

For a citizenry alarmed and up in arms, all the Centralia Police Department can do is preach common sense and preparedness. Willey suggests people tie down lawn ornaments in locations close to their house.

We reached out to Willey to ask whether all of this means securing the decorative lawn-ready Baby Jesus at Weekly Volcano World Headquarters to one of those German Shepherd sized dog leash runs is advisable, but - surprisingly - he failed to return our calls. - Cindy Lou Who, Christmas Crime Correspondent