Baby New Year
About the most exciting thing in 2007 was landing this two-bit “job” as a columnist for the Weekly Volcano. I had to spank the Weekly Volcano Weather Guy while he wore assless chaps in order to get this writing gig, and I’d really appreciate it if my editors would stop celebrating “Spankin’ Steph” day every Nov. 7.  That was more than two years ago!

The year 2008 was indeed one of the most fun years I’ve ever had, but proved to be somewhat un-miraculous as well.  My dreams of wearing a pink gorilla suit and driving an ice cream truck (not at the same time, mind you) both were not fulfilled. Typical.
Last year put me into hiding, but not really.  I focused on family, spent a lot of time at the beach, found solstice in a recording studio, and watched my ass grow two sizes bigger. Good times. Now, I’m ready to head back out into the world and make some changes in 2010 — BIG changes. And no, I’m not talking about my ass.

I want to become a real, bona fide superhero — with a cape, superhero powers, trick wrist cuffs, and thigh-high boots. I chose superhero Baby New Year as the first person to chat up my new superhero goal.

STEPH DEROSA: What’s it like being a superhero, Baby New Year?

BABY NEW YEAR: What are you talking about?

DEROSA : You are the official mascot for every New Year. You have magical powers, right? Just look at those ears! You can fly with those, right? Or maybe you have radar hearing?

BNY: I’m a BABY! If you expect me to do more than crap my pants and cry, you’re crazy.

DEROSA : You must have some sort of superhero power, I just know it. Can you tell me who I need to talk to in order to acquire some powers myself?

BNY: Look, lady, they put me in a hat, a diaper, and a pageant sash.  Sometimes, if I’m lucky, they give me an hourglass to hold. I got nuthin’.

DEROSA : Ah! The hourglass!  Ever tried to rub it and grant wishes?  What about your hat?  That has to hold some power I’m sure, or at least a rabbit.

BNY: You know what, you’re right. I’ll rub my hourglass and make a wish.  Here goes!

DEROSA : What’d you wish? Did it work?

BNY: Nope, you’re still here.