As the Dockyard Derby Dames closed its fifth roller derby season June 25 with an exciting championship bout, a handful of OGs (Old Girls) bowed into retirement, while another exceptional handful received performance awards. Coincidentally, at the same time this was all happening, I was going for the award of "most tall boys consumed before the bout starts," making me completely unaware of any said performance awards handed out.

So, instead, here's my own Derby Dame award list:

Best injured player: Louda Than Bombs - Finished her swan-song retirement bout with an injured knee.

Best non-derby-related broken bone: Vitamin V - Broke her arm from the side-effects of being drunk at a party.

Best ass: Snickerbrutal - Yeah, I looked. 

Best superpower object: Betty Driddler's pink boa - She uses it for evil.

Best ricochet shield: Twiggie Smalls - It's like she's made out of rubber.  I swear I even saw her bounce a few times.

MVP: Misty Miyagi - I love watching her as jammer. I'm going to start a Facebook fan page just so I can be the first to "like" it.

Most obnoxious fans: Hit-O-Honey - Three things: Fake mustaches, cut-off shorts, inebriation.

Best ass-kicker: Razzle Jazzle - Nothing stands a chance when she's coming through the pack.

Best penalty box seat warmer: Mo Ratorium

Best annihilator: Rocky Hardplace - I heard skaters must sign a waiver before bouting against her. Personally, I'd rather just wave at her from a distance.

Best fight: Skate Paulie Girl vs. Vicious Divalicious

Best DYDD dates: Melanie Rushforth and Liesl Diesl - They don't put out. - Steph DeRosa