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Bobble Tiki has been alive many years; he's been a male for all of them, and Bobble Tiki therefore doesn't roller-skate.  Granted, back when he was a tiny tiki - before he knew what the hell a dance was, let alone Farrah Fawcett, back when boys received their introductions to the sweet delicacies of girls at skating rinks - Bobble Tiki gave it a try.  To no avail, Bobble Tiki was the nerd tiki who inched along the rink with his hands fastened to the wall the whole damn way, usually with a Tootsie Pop dangling from his hair.  And because women back then didn't dig tikis who couldn't skate to Badfinger, or tikis with springs for that matter, Bobble Tiki was hopeless.

Since Bobble Tiki already had entered his lifelong enslavement to the allure of the opposite sex, he took it upon himself to learn the whole evil business of roller-skating, even if it killed him.  After five months, encouraged by his tyrannical hormones, Bobble Tiki made it through all of "Day After Day" without grabbing someone's headgear.

Unfortunately, by the time Bobble Tiki learned to skate, it was considered gay for dudes.

As the ‘70s rolled along, even women gave it up.  They traded in their skates at an earlier age than their mothers had, in favor of shopping, Peter Frampton and makeup, or whatever. Even the roller derby out of Portland Bobble Tiki used to watch on the tube faded away.

In 2004, the Women's Flat Track Derby Association emerged, establishing itself as the governing body over the confederation of leagues and independent teams around the nation, including Tacoma and Olympia.  The sport has attracted women of various backgrounds looking for an escape from the culture of shopping, Matthew McConaughey, makeup, or whatever. The Weekly Volcano has followed the action in Tacoma and Olympia since its inception in 2006.

And here we are today. Tacoma's original roller derby league - Dockyard Derby Dames - will roll onto the track for their final bout of their fifth season Saturday at Pierce College. First up, Tacoma's Dockyard Derby Dames Undertow battles it out against Joint Base Lewis-McChord Bettie Brigade. Then, Dockyard's All-Star team, Wave of Mutilation, take on a mixed team from around the Pacific Northwest - skaters from Bellingham Roller Betties, Jet City, Rat City, Rose City, Emerald City and Cherry City.

Bobble Tiki will attend the last Dames bout of the season, just as long as no one plays Badfinger on the loudspeaker. If Bobble Tiki hears "No Matter What," he'll instinctively head toward the wall. No one wants to see that.

Dockyard Derby Dames Final Bout

Saturday, Aug. 20, 6 p.m., $12 advance, $15 door
Pierce College Health Ed Center
9401 Farwest Dr. SW, Lakewood
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