TIME TO DRESS UP AND PRETEND >>>

Will Jason Reitman and Up in the Air fly away with Oscar? Or will The Hurt Locker destroy the competition? James Cameron describes his Avatar - the top-grossing movie in history - as "a celebration of nature." Will this eco-adventure of woolly mammoth proportions woo academy voters based on the numbers?

These questions and more will be answered Sunday night when the national telecast of the 82nd annual Academy Awards screens at the Rialto Theater in downtown Tacoma. Rather than falling asleep on the couch before the Best Original Screenplay winners are named, movie junkies can endure the four-hour show by exchanging snarky comments in a genuine, old-fashioned movie theater at The Grand Cinema's annual Academy Awards party.

The party will begin at 4 p.m. when Tinseltown legend Quinton Loyne-Packard chats with celebrities on the Rialto Red Carpet.

What? Certainly you've heard of Mr. Loyne-Packard.

Yea, me neither. But according to the "Tinseltown legend" he's starred in many classic monster films, including the Japanese film Monster Industry, as well as District 9, Avatar and Precious. And he has the ego to match his statements.

The odd Mr. Loyne-Packard says he's co-hosting The Grand's party with Alec Baldwin and Maestro Gavin Guss Sunday. During my interview with Mr. Loyne-Packard Saturday over martinis at The Lobster Shop on Ruston Way, however, I argued Tacoma City Councilman Marty Campbell is co-hosting and not Baldwin - something I know for a fact. Mr. Loyne-Packard would have none of it.

He's quite odd. He brought a giant stuffed pink prawn and cat food to The Lobster Shop interview. Even more bizarre, we weren't kicked out.

After the red carpet action in front of the Rialto this Sunday, Mr. Loyne-Packard and Guss will perform a musical tribute to the Oscars, which most likely will be a retrospective of Mr. Loyne-Packard's film career including clips of his performances in this year's Best Picture nominees.

Promptly at 5 p.m., and most certainly involving a giant hook, Mr. Loyne-Packard will leave the stage for the televised coverage of the red carpet festivities in Hollywood followed by the Academy Awards broadcasted on the Rialto's giant screen.

Guests inside the Rialto will be given an Oscar ballot to fill out with the Grand Prize winner receiving "The Golden Ticket" - a free movie pass for a year to The Grand Cinema.

During the commercial breaks, Campbell (or Baldwin, I suppose) will give away raffle prizes and host the movie star-themed costume contest. Contest winners will score $100 El Gaucho or Maxwell's gift certificates.

The event ticket also includes box lunches courtesy of Jonz Catering, desserts courtesy of Corina Bakery, free make-up artists (4-6 p.m.) courtesy of Embellish Multispace Salon, and a chance to bid at the silent auction.

Against my better judgment, here's the printable Q&A section I had with Mr. Loyne-Packard at The Lobster Shop. It should be noted that he believes Tacoma is Hollywood.

WEEKLY VOLCANO: Where were you born?

QUINTON LOYNE-PACKARD: Hollywood, born and raised. I will be screening a tour of Hollywood including the Java Jive before the Academy Award party crowd Sunday. I will also show a brief, visual retrospective of my monster movie career. Do you want to touch my prawn?

VOLCANO: No. And why is a prawn resting in the chair next to you?

LOYNE-PACKARD: An odd question since I starred in District 9. My boy, you did not do your research. I might not have time for you.

VOLCANO: I don't remember seeing you in the film.

LOYNE-PACKARD: Silly chap. I will screen clips of my roles in District 9, Avatar and Precious Sunday night. May I have your cherry?

VOLCANO:What? Oh, my Manhattan. I guess. ... Are you married?

LOYNE-PACKARD: No, but I've had extensive affairs with everyone's wife including Nancy Reagan when she was with Frank.

VOLCANO: Well, I think I have everything I need here ...

LOYNE-PACKARD: I came from humble means. My father put the red strings in BAND-AIDs.  While in Germany - the war, you know - I suppose you could have called my dad a spy. I suppose you may also claim that I caused his death - incendiary of a B-25.

I'm so looking forward to working with Alec Bladwin. His Ginsu knife promotions were genius.

VOLCANO: Well, look at the time. ...

I will spare your from his rants regarding cheese sculptures, Frisco Freeze and his strange love for Alec Guinness. Mr. Loyne-Packard does want me to stress that people should dress up as their favorite movie star and arrive at the Rialto promptly at 4 p.m.

[Rialto Theater, Sunday, March 7, 4 p.m., $15 for Grand members, $18 general, tickets are now available at The Grand Cinema or by calling 253.572.6062 or visit www.GrandCinema.com, Rialto is at 310 S. Ninth St., Tacoma]