SANTA SAYS >>>>

I miss Buddy. He rarely visits anymore. Subsequently, the holiday cheer at the North Pole has dropped a few notches. Buddy use to take product testing in stride. Now the effing Elf Local 448 gets its tights all bundled up with the forced product testing on elf orphans. And don't get me started on the heat I'm taking for outsourcing the electronics to non-union trolls. I know Buddy's journey through the Candy Cane Forest and across the Sea of Gumdrops then through the Lincoln Tunnel isn't the root of all my labor problems, but it sure felt different with him around.

I can see through my magic snowball The Grand Cinema will screen the Buddy's documentary, Elf, on two screens - free of charge - at 10 a.m. Saturday, Dec. 17. Moviegoers will watch Buddy go from an orphaned infant to building toys in my workshop to living with naughty lister James Caan, who's just as hotheaded as Sonny Corleone.

Aside from the prerequisite burping and farting jokes, there isn't anything even the strictest parent could complain about.

[The Grand Cinema, Saturday, Dec. 17, 10 a.m., free, 606 Fawcett Ave., Tacoma, 253.593.4474]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Suave Bing Crosby and fleet-of-foot Danny Kaye star as workaholic Bob Wallace and playboy Phil Davis, successful 1950s vaudevillians who discover the lovely Haynes sisters, then accompany them to their holiday gig at an inn in Vermont that turns out to be (a) run by the guys' adored old World War II general and (b) dying the tourist death due to an absence of frozen precipitation. Crosby and Kaye decide to bring in their retinue and put on a show in the barn. Romantic misunderstandings and big numbers ensue. But in the end, each song-and-dance man gets a Haynes, snow flutters down and the audience gets to sing along to the tune Crosby made the bestselling record in history.

Santa is, of course, speaking of the film White Christmas, which will screen Thursday at the Blue Mouse Theatre. In conjunction with the film, Altrusa International-Tacoma and The Happy Sock Club are partnering to raise funds for scholarships and collect Happy Socks for the Toy Rescue Mission.

Tickets are only $10 and advance purchase is available at the Old House Mercantile and Blue Mouse - both in Tacoma's Proctor District. Bring a pair of Happy Socks for a child, infants through 15 years of age.

[Blue Mouse Theatre, Thursday, Dec. 1, 7-9:30 p.m., $10, 2611 N. Proctor, Tacoma, 253.752.9500]

LINK: More local screenings of holiday films

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

There's a new Muppet movie out. After you see it, you'll wish you had a "Pigs in Space" lunchbox. "Pigs in Space" was a regular sketch on the Muppet Show, featuring the adventures of Captain Link Hogthrob, First Mate Piggy and Dr. Julius Strangepork. Their ship was the Swinetrek.

In 1981, crewmembers of the Space Shuttle Columbia awoke to discover their morning music, comedy routine and news broadcast had been replaced with specially recorded audio segments of "Pigs in Space." Apparently NASA did it on purpose. After that, everyone forgot the poor pigs.

Until now. 

Lily Pad Antiques in downtown Tacoma has a "Pigs In Space" lunchbox on its shelf. Nothing makes that bologna on rye taste as delectable as staring at pigs in space suits. Which is why, on the ninth or 10th day, God created collectible lunch boxes - so you could sip Capri-Sun and stare into the beautiful eyes of Miss Piggy.

Santa hears on the street somewhere there's an Eminem pail shaped like a normal lunch box, but you can still fill it with maternal loathing and Oreos.

[Lily Pad Antiques, 756 Broadway, Tacoma, 253.627.6858]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

After Christmas Eve I look forward to a couple weeks off - just chilling on the couch eating leftover candy canes.

Don't even. You try lugging a bag full of presents up and down about 100 million chimneys during one very long night.

But I digress.

Mrs. Claus is not a big fan of my "lazy spells" (her words). She'd rather drag my big red butt to the movies. And early, too. Mrs. Claus is particular where she sits.

Torture.

Them she discovered the slice of heaven that is the Lakewood Towne Center movie theater and its incredible, adjustable, extra cushy luxury seats that don every room. Now I can lie back, kick my feet up and enjoy the film half asleep ... just like I do at home.

Going early? No problem. I just settle in with a bucket of popcorn and enjoy the extra wide isles between rows wide enough for my one-horse open sleigh. It's like dying and going to heaven - unless it's a Tom Cruise movie, of course. Then it's just a manageable form of hell. 

I can think of nothing better for that hard-working film buff on your gift list than a gift certificate to this totally unique movie going experience.

Two fat thumbs up!

[AMC Loews Lakewood Towne Center 12, 5721 Main St. SW, Lakewood, 253.581.5351]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

"Daddy, why do you speak with an American accent whilst living with us in this knobby English country cottage?" "Well, Jemima and Jeremy, if you ever saw my performance in Mary Poppins trying to do a Cockney accent, you'd understand."

Ho, ho ho ho. We love you anyway, Dick Van Dyke.

Of course your dad wants to attend a family matinee of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The Broadway Center will screen the fantasmagorical musical film before Tacoma's annual holiday tree lighting in front of the Panatges Theater.

This sucker will sell out so grab your tickets now here.

[Pantages Theater, Saturday, Nov. 26, 2 p.m., $14, 6 p.m. free tree lighting, 901 Broadway, Tacoma, 253.591.5894]

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