SANTA SAYS >>>>

The best-ever answer to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" came from Crow T. Robot of Mystery Science Theater 3000, who responded: "I want to decide who lives and who DIES!"

After that, we're all pretty much amateurs.

But in case anybody out there really gives an ounce of figgy pudding about making yuletide dreams come true, here's an awesome idea: Grand Prix Raceway gift certificates.

No one will die.

Thirty-five miles an hour might not seem like much, but it definitely feels fast in one of the raceway's ground-hugging karts on the Lakewood facility's quarter-mile track.  The raceway, which was transplanted from its original home in Fife, features a computerized timing and scoring system as well as a viewing lounge with closed-circuit video display. 

When you purchase a $50 or more gift card, you'll receive a free bonus race, which is a $20 value.  Get your holiday frustrations out on the track.

[Grand Prix Raceway, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday-Saturday, noon to 8 p.m. Sunday, closed Tuesdays, 11015 Pacific Highway S.W., Lakewood, 253.272.9000]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Your Aunt Martha gave you a sentimental figurine last year that doesn't exactly blend with your collection of Imari porcelain. It's still in its box, so maybe you can just rewrap it and present it to a co-worker this season.

Then you reconsider. After all, your cousin once gave you a chiffon scarf that smelled of her cologne and carried a few telltale wisps of her hair. You resented that secondhand gift.

So, is re-gifting, as it's called, unethical?

It might be unseemly to give someone a gift you didn't like, knowing the recipient probably won't like it either.

"It's somewhat like putting your trash in someone else's yard," says Papa Elf.

So, what are you going to do with the lime green dotted with candy canes sweater your sister-in-law gave you last Christmas?

You have two options. You can be honest and tell her you didn't like it and gave it to a neighbor to line a doggy bed, or you can keep it and pull it out for ugly holiday sweater parties.

Santa knows it's a tough decision. Give the sucker a test run this week.

The Tacoma Runners group has tagged its 3-mile weekly Thursday run the "Thursday Sweater Run." Throw on the lime beauty; join the large group of runners as they shove off from Doyle's Public House at 6:30 p.m. for a social jog. Afterward, toast the sweater at the post-run party back at Doyle's.

If you're not much of a runner, drive your lazy ass to Rock The Dock Pub & Grill Friday night for its first annual Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. While country rockers Sammy Steele Band performs you'll toss back drink specials and play in "crazy reindeer games." Rock The Dock also hosts a non-perishable food and new toy drive during the party.

[Doyle's Public House, Tacoma Runners, Thursday, Dec. 15, 6:30-9:30 p.m., no admission fee, 208 St. Helens Ave., Tacoma, Facebook]

[Rock The Dock Pub & Grill, Ugly Christmas Sweater Party, Friday, Dec. 16, 6-9 p.m., no cover, 535 Dock St., Tacoma, Facebook]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Debating the sound of an isolated tree falling in a forest makes for good drunken conversation; Paul Simon whispering about the sound of silence makes for good road-trip music; and Julie Andrews singing her way through The Sound of Music makes for a solid 400 winks. But what good can come from the sound of more than hundreds of jingle bells circling Wright Park? For the St. Leo's Food Bank, it's the sweet sound of help.

On Saturday, Dec. 24 Metro Parks encourages participants to brave the winter conditions, sport holiday costumes and break a sweat for a 3-mile, chip-times run beginning at Wright Park. Registration, which ends Dec. 22 (no day of race), is $15.

The Jingle Bell Run is sponsored by Metro Parks and South Sound Running. The first male/female finishers will win shoes from South Sound Running.

Bring non-perishable food for St. Leo's Food Bank or old running shoes for the Tacoma Rescue Mission.

[Wright Park, Saturday, Dec. 24, 1:30 p.m., $15 includes jingle bells, 316 South G St.,Tacoma, sign up online]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Santa sees all, as you know, and one thing he's noticed about Tacomans is they like to rep the Gritty City they call home.

And few things make for better Tacoma reppin' than an authentic sweet-ass Tacoma Rainiers ball cap.

Even better, the fashionistas who dress the Rainiers have created two specifically great hats to choose from - the "Makes Me Want to Chug a Rainier Beer" version, or the slightly fancier "Big T Looms Large" version. While there are more hats than that to choose from, either of the aformentioned would make an exquisite gift for the true Tacoman (hint, hint Matt Driscoll's friends and family).

And to complete the experience, visit the Tacoma Rainiers team store in person at Cheney Stadium. It may be frosty outside, but that doesn't mean no one's at the ballpark. Full team store holiday hours can be found here.

[Cheney Stadium, 2502 S. Tyler St., Tacoma, 253.752.7707]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

It's no secret.  This round belly shakes like a bowlful of jelly.  Mmm, jelly ...  Sorry.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I'm fat. 

I'd embraced my state of contentment with gluttony, that is, until one fateful Christmas Eve. Taking a breather from the chimney chore, I plopped down on a futon inside a home at Salmon Beach.  As I was reaching for a third cookie when the darn thing came to life. 

"Were these laced with more than sugar?" I wondered. My mind was moving low.

And that was my introduction to the Gingerbread Man. It seemed 10 feet tall.

It popped up from the cheeseboard with great amusement and proceeded to challenge me. "Run, run, fast as you can!  Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" 

Dude, I was trippin'.

Even weirder, the antics of modern day runners popped into my head. I've been watching via my magic snowball the over-enthusiastic bunch out of Tacoma run every Thursday. You know the ones. They run three miles, and then drink six beers.

Why do people need to run? It's as if logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead.

Well, after meeting the Gingerbread Man, I now understand. I couldn't catch it.

I decided right then and there - collapsed on the dock - to make this cookie crumble.  No way, this is NOT bringin' a Claus down.  I committed myself to catching it.

I started training.

In the beginning, it sucked candy canes. Then I hired Frosty. Once that magic hat hits his noggin' - his form is outstanding and pacing impeccable.  He's more of a sprinter than a distance runner.  Understandable, since he's made of snow.

As the weeks of training progressed, I slowly started realizing I wanted to run farther distances.

I'll be a gumdrop - I began to take a liking to it. I even like it on Facebook.

Frosty surprised me with an early present - a secured spot in the Seattle Rock and Roll Marathon.  Apparently, this race is sold out every year.  The jolly happy soul didn't want me to miss out.  Ah, shucks.  He looked as alive as he could be.

Frosty says the course is complete with live music at every mile marker. Sweetness!  I love nifty jingles. 

It's rumored the Gingerbread Man will be there - donning its bowtie and bells.  

I'm going to eat your head, Gingerbread Man. Eat your head.

[Seattle Rock and Roll Marathon, June 23, $115 half/$125 full through Feb. 12, proceeds benefit American Cancer Society, website]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

LINK: Santa Says RSS feed

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

PLUS: 2011 Best of Olympia Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

SANTA SAYS >>>>

If you are wondering why there is a snowboarding article on my blog, it's because Santa can ride the hell out of a board. Think about it. I'm surrounded by snow every freakin' day. And the elves have built a sick course out behind my castle.

If you are unfamiliar with North Pole ski and snowboard culture, the big competition up here is Frosty's Triple Crown offering residents the chance to demonstrate the moves and skills they've practiced on the course, and compete for money, prestige, and possibly, the big award: The Winter Warlock Cup. The Warlock was the first one up here to land a McTwist.

I'm not quite as good the elves. I think it's because my board sucks.

I have my eye on a new board with a South Sound legend's name on it: The new Temple Cummins' GNU Billy Goat C2 BTX. It comes with revolutionary freeride and power freestyle C2 BTX geometries. I'm talking a camber and banana technology combo for a radical all terrain ride.

It's sweet. The elves won't know what hit them.

No surprise Northwest Snowboards carries this awesome plank - The Cummins family owns the joint.

[Northwest Snowboards, 2805 Bridgeport Way W., University Place, 253.564.5974]

[Northwest Snowboards, 2413 Harrison Ave. SW, Olympia, 360.357.3727]

[Northwest Snowboards, 6820 Kimball Dr., Gig Harbor, 253.853.5255]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

With Thanksgiving looming large, you must succumb to the siren song of the approaching Holiday season.

The folks at the Weekly Volcano have posted its first round of holiday events in the South Sound. Yes, they present this list awfully early this year. That's so them!

Click here for the scoop on movies, plays, dance, concerts, outdoor activities and festivals coming your way between now and the end of the year - plus other events that defy categorization and enough Nutcrackers to satisfy even those dance enthusiasts who don't know the difference between a pas de deux and the shag. There's also a searchable database of events here.

The Weekly Volcano will also offering four print holiday guides, the first hitting the street Wednesday.

Once you've baked enough cookies to last until Easter, spent three weeks worth of paychecks, and played all of your Christmas albums backward, break out those wool socks and long underwear and hit the area for something new.

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