SANTA SAYS >>>>

What kind of holiday present does a loyal and caring master get for a dog with a closet full of sweaters it never wears? A cat whose sophisticated tastes now disdain even the priciest gourmet treats?

Now those who keep pets as an easier and somewhat cheaper alternative to children can subject their little darlings to the very human rite of passage of sitting awkwardly on some bearded dude's lap at the mall while a flash bulb blinds them. Except, this weekend it's going down at an animal shelter. All two-legged attendees' $20 donation will benefit shaggier and smellier pets-to-be at the Animal Services in Olympia.

Though dogs are the target audience, less orthodox pets won't be turned away, which brings to mind images of Santa being strangled by a boa constrictor or peed on by a ferret. The hilarious possible outcomes are endless, and the resulting portrait will sit nobly on the mantelpiece and serve as a conversation starter for at least a couple months.

[Animal Shelter, Saturday, Dec. 10-Sunday, Dec. 11, 10 a.m. to 2 p.m., $20 for five digital photos on a disk, 3120 Martin Way, Olympia, 360.352.2510]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

PLUS: 2011 Best of Olympia Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

SANTA SAYS >>>>

Oh, to be one of those people who stockpile gifts all the year long, who announce in April they just got you the best Christmas present and who smugly note at the start of fall their shopping is done - which sort of makes you want to poke them in the eye with a candy cane.

I do not begrudge these people their efficiency. In fact, Mrs. Claus and I even tried to emulate it, when last summer we purchased a collectible plate - non-returnable - for our favorite little elf girl, only to find the exact same plate in her bedroom last weekend. (And where did it come from? Surely it hadn't been there before. And how do these things happen? And why to me?)

OK, so the plate thing was a little discouraging. And frustrating. And maddening. But I didn't let it get me down. That's why I purchased the unique gift of horseback riding for my little friend.

Seems like most elf girls - young and old - love horses.

Fathers, too. I'm sure fathers would rather have their daughters "nuzzle a muzzle than kiss a boy."

For those in the South Sound, Klear Mont Farms in Lakewood offers English riding and jumping lessons. It offers hour-long lessons for all ages and experience levels on trustworthy mounts.

One cool perk at Klear Mont is its cozy, heated viewing room for the parents.

Klear Mont has riding packages, gift certificates and week-long camps, as well as private, semi-private and group lessons starting at $42.

All you need are boots with heels.  

[Klear Mont Farms, 6408 150^th St. SW, Lakewood, 253.588.0211]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Psst! If you know a couple with pets and a child between the ages of 2 and 3, and if you despise that couple, but want, for any number of reasons, not to reveal your contempt, and if you like the child, or otherwise feel obligated to give him a Christmas present, remember these three words: Refillable Squeaky Toy.

OK, the squeaky toy I speak of is really for pets. Pets grow tired of squeaky toys. Small curious children don't. Small children will squeeze the hell out of a Kong soft toys for hours.

Mud Bay, with several locations in the South Sound, sells Kong soft toys starting at $6.95. Yes, Mud Bay is known for carrying 450 unique formulas of dog and cat food. They also carry squeaky toys for pets ... with replacement speakers.

Wrap the squeaky toys and tag the Kid's name to the gift. Then, every time you visit said couple, throw a pile of replacement speakers in the kid's toy chest.

The squeaking could last several years.

[Mud Bay, locations in Olympia, Lacey, Gig Harbor, Tacoma, Puyallup and Sumner, www.mudbay.us]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Pets are life companions and confidants and guardians and snowball chasers and spilled marshmallow sauce licker-uppers and bed warmers and constant never-ending photo oppers and the things that ambles in the room nonchalantly while you're making-out with Mrs. Claus and stares are you strangely because of all the weird sounds.

It's time to give your pet an early present.

Noah's Pet Project in Tacoma has provided free vaccines, outpatient and preventive care to pets of low income and elderly residents for 14 years.  The all-volunteer staff provides what care they can the second Sunday of each month

The organization needs donations, too. Food, bedding, and flea prevention products are always appreciated.  A monetary gift to Noah's Pet Project goes to purchase much needed medications and vaccines for these paws and claws in need. 

Donations may be mailed or dropped off at Brown's Point Veterinary Clinic, 6720 Eastside Dr., Suite 4, in Tacoma.

For information and how to help, click here.

Yes, your pets pee on your hardwood floor and shred your Ugg boots and lay claim to the furniture and become permanent irreplaceable fixtures in your life that two weeks into it you never knew how you lived without.

[Noah's Pet Project, noon to 2 p.m., second Saturday, 608 Oakes St., Tacoma]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

When Mrs. Claus and I are visiting her mother in law in Hades, I mean Houston, we don't like to leave Rudolph home with the rest of the reindeer because they won't let him play any reindeer games ... like beer pong.  That is why we always board Ruddy with the Pet Brigade on Joint Base Lewis-McChord or at the Pet Ponderosa in Graham. Owned by the same pet-loving folks, both places are taking reservations right now for the holidays.  

These kennels go way above most places, offering certifiably clean and safe conditions. They adore pets, and it shows through their community events, foster programs and community support.  

See them at thepetbrigade.com or the petponderosa.com.  

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