SANTA SAYS >>>>

Santa loves lists. Before he dreams of sugarplums, he makes a list of what he'd like to accomplish the next day. Santa is, in fact, so manic about his list-keeping that if he does something that isn't on the list I'll write it down just so I can cross it off. I earned it; I went out of my way. I went "off list." Do you have any idea how fricking hard that is? Do you?

The most famous of my lists are the Naughty and Nice lists I keep to determine Christmas gift distribution.

Here are a couple of my not-so-famous lists:

Things That May Be Tossed

• Used wrapping paper
• Old elf slippers
• My sleigh near the Horn of Africa
• Frisbee
• Christmas salad
• Rotten candy canes
• Cookies

Things That May Be Hurled

• Lunch
• Heat Miser insults
• Stones
• Meteorite
• Shoe
• My sleigh on Mt. Crumpit

Things That May Be Thrown

• Dirty looks toward elves
• Snowballs
• Curve ball
• 1919 World Series
• Winter Warlock conniption fit
• My back

I recently added "My back" to my Thrown list after last year's trip over the Horn of Africa. The turbulence was terrible. My back made a loud pop. It's ached ever since.

I bought a SeatCushion Pillow made by Tempur-Pedic. It absorbs and distributes my weight evenly so I may sit comfortably for long periods. It's awesome.

If you're looking for relief from back pain, Relax The Back has SeatCushion Pillow for $89.

I just wish it came in red to match my outfit. ... What have I become?

[Relax The Back, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday-Friday, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Saturday, 1-6 p.m. Sunday, 5015 Tacoma Mall Blvd. Tacoma, 253.475.2520]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Every time a male elf hears a female elf mention she's traveling down to the Olympus Women's Spa in Lakewood, he transforms right before the eyes into one of those drooling mini Heat Miser characters with visions of naked women cavorting in waterfalls and splashing each other like a scene from a bad Russ Meyer film.

The truth of the experience is less tantalizing and much more rewarding.

Olympus offers a mellow escape from hectic daily life at the North Pole. There is nowhere Mrs. Claus rather go than a place without Santa and the male elves, a place where she can stop holding her stomach in, quit wondering if there's gingerbread in her teeth or how her hair looks ... and just unwind. Yes, there's a waterfall, but it flows into a chilly pool mostly used for taking a brisk dip after soaking in one of many pools of varying hot temperatures.

Yes, women are naked.  After stripping down to nothing and putting on a cap and robe provided by pleasant and unobtrusive staff, Mrs. Claus will soak to ease her muscles and open up her pores. Then it's off to an Asian-style body scrub ($50 for 40 minutes). An experience not for the faint of heart, but invigorating and relaxing at the same time, the body scrub treatment goes like this: lie on a table in a room full other naked women, get lathered with gritty sand and have it vigorously rubbed into the skin by a woman with powerful hands before being rinsed with gentle water spray.

Mrs. Claus comes home every time with ferocious glowing pink skin from head to toe. All the dead, dull skin cells had been sloughed away to reveal her skin's true potential.

Then she takes a five-hour nap.

Follow Santa's lead. Buy your special someone a gift certificate to the Olympus Women's Spa.

[Olympus Women's Spa, 8615 South Tacoma Way, Lakewood, 253.588.3355, www.olympuspa.com]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

You've spent the past month running around as hyper as Brooke Mueller trying to finish your holiday preparations. Santa thinks it's high time (sorry, Brooke) you do a little something for yourself.

Here's the plan:

Load the iPod with Vince Guaraldi tunes from A Charlie Brown Christmas, lace up your skates, and hit the Franciscan Polar Plaza. Because it's covered you should be able to replicate the moves of Dorothy Hamill in nothing but a Polar fleece vest.

There are a bunch of holiday events happening today in the South Sound, including Dance Theatre Northwest's Nutcracker, a free screening of Elf at The Grand Cinema and The Christmas Revels at the Rialto Theater. Click here for more events going down today.

Feel a little ragged? Pamper yourself today. Click here for a few ideas.

And if you still haven't finished your shopping, click here for local gift ideas.

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Childhood's general rule is that all things good for you are torturous. And Santa mean torturous. They taste gross, feel uncomfortable, smell bad and hurt in ways too horrible for your on-the-verge-of-tantrum mind to describe. It is the greatest tragedy of youth.

Then we grow up, and what was once akin to a bee sting has stealthily seeped into our daily routines and even our hearts. Like, for instance, fruitcake or naptime or Nyquil.

Mmmm, love 'em now.

So just imagine how excited the crazy mini-you would get if I were to recommend slathering your feet with organic coffee grounds and fine pumice with sea kelp exfoliate and soften while grapefruit and vanilla.

Lost you on the last part, huh? 

Tacoma's Serenity Spa's foot ritual is delightfully disgusting. At its core, it's an herbal complex enhances the purifying mud therapy mask from lush volcanic areas of Australia.  Tangerine and rose moisturizer with nourishing oils provides softening hydration.

Quite the stew, no?

Well, if the way it magically perfects your piggies just in time for naked fireplace season isn't enough for you, at least you get to squish around in the goop!

Serenity Spa also offers gift certificates.

[Serenity Spa, Awakening Foot Ritual $45, Grounding Foot Ritual $80, 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday, 706 Market St., Tacoma, 253.473.7830]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

When Sam The Snowman's IPO came through, his wife decided to become Old Money. She was like an Athena sprung fully formed from Zeus' head, dressed in St. John suits and Christie's In London hats.She had dressed Sam up in fitted shirts, and replaced the wood in their house with Calder and pastels.What was awesome about the wacko behavior was she sent Sam and I on a tour of Sedona spas.

So we go first to Amara Creekside Resort and Spa, a Madame Tussaud's for aging trophy wives.This is not a success - the only excitement I found came by way of the outdoor coordinator, a beautiful Brit who lets me eat candy canes in the steam room.Would she like to get together later?I wonder.She would not, she says, citing "policy." This is my first disillusionment of hanging with rich people.

Next we try the authentic Mediterranean looking Hilton Sedona Spa.We spend four days together in one of the four suites. Sam went nuts over the cranial sacral reflexology. We decide that we've had a nice time.

I don't see Sam much anymore. You know how rich people get.

I did discover I love massages. While the massages at Patch's Palace North Pole aren't near the ones at Amara and the Hilton, it's still a massage.

I recently discovered another awesome massage. On a recent research trip to Tacoma, I stumbled upon the MSM Deli II on Sixth Avenue. You know, the tiny deli with the messed-up reader board and outstanding sandwiches. I'm chomping on my beef, bacon and cheddar when I spy The Turning Point Integrated Therapies across the street. I race for my life across Sixth Avenue and scored a walk-in appointment, enjoying a sweet hour massage.

Santa says give that special person in your life a gift of serenity, peace and relaxation from The Turning Point. Buy TTP gift certificates before Dec. 23 and save money: half-hour session $35, hour session $55 and hour-and-a-half session $85. If you're going to treat yourself, call ahead and book an appointment.

[The Turning Point Integrated Therapies, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday-Friday, 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Saturday, 2211 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.7876, website]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

After Christmas Eve I look forward to a couple weeks off - just chilling on the couch eating leftover candy canes.

Don't even. You try lugging a bag full of presents up and down about 100 million chimneys during one very long night.

But I digress.

Mrs. Claus is not a big fan of my "lazy spells" (her words). She'd rather drag my big red butt to the movies. And early, too. Mrs. Claus is particular where she sits.

Torture.

Them she discovered the slice of heaven that is the Lakewood Towne Center movie theater and its incredible, adjustable, extra cushy luxury seats that don every room. Now I can lie back, kick my feet up and enjoy the film half asleep ... just like I do at home.

Going early? No problem. I just settle in with a bucket of popcorn and enjoy the extra wide isles between rows wide enough for my one-horse open sleigh. It's like dying and going to heaven - unless it's a Tom Cruise movie, of course. Then it's just a manageable form of hell. 

I can think of nothing better for that hard-working film buff on your gift list than a gift certificate to this totally unique movie going experience.

Two fat thumbs up!

[AMC Loews Lakewood Towne Center 12, 5721 Main St. SW, Lakewood, 253.581.5351]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

I miss slumber parties. Thankfully, Snow Miser hosts one tonight. I totally expect pajamas, gossip, popsicles, Truth or Dare, and, of course, dising on the ol' Heat Miser.

Sleeping will be completely off-limits, at least until sunrise.

My contribution to the party will be a new mattress from the Mattress Depot. Snow Miser's mattresses and pillows ruin my bad back with their icicle hardness.

I love my Englander Meadowbrook mattress I nabbed at the Puyallup Depot back in June. I went the "ultra plush" route, but I expect "Mister Ten Below" will be pleased with the "firm" model I'm bringing.

As a bonus, the Mattress Depot offers several payment plans. It's "No Credit Check" financing guarantees financing up to $1,200 regardless of credit history.  Customers just need to have a job and a checking account that has been open for at least six months. 

I'm also bringing the Grateful Dead's 12-disc box set The Golden Road to the slumber party. The Miser prefers the Dead's rarities and outtakes to the live stuff.

[Mattress Depot, locations in Tacoma, Puyallup, Olympia and Federal Way, details at matressdepotusa.com]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

I'll refrain from making predictably cheesy sex jokes about the size of your Yule log and so forth. Ho, ho, ho ho.

If you're on the naughty list this year, why hold back during the holidays. I have the perfect place for naughty ones to shop. Hustler Hollywood has the goods to pleasure your partner during those cold winter nights by the fire.  

Toys like "adult" mistletoe, breath-freshening "Merry Sex-Mas" mints and a vibrator wearing a Santa hat should speak for themselves. So stuff that stocking and just do what comes natural. Those hard-to-please people on your list deserve a good spanking, after all.

[Hustler Hollywood, 8001 S. Hosmer St., Tacoma, 253.536.0269]

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