SANTA SAYS >>>>

Every time a male elf hears a female elf mention she's traveling down to the Olympus Women's Spa in Lakewood, he transforms right before the eyes into one of those drooling mini Heat Miser characters with visions of naked women cavorting in waterfalls and splashing each other like a scene from a bad Russ Meyer film.

The truth of the experience is less tantalizing and much more rewarding.

Olympus offers a mellow escape from hectic daily life at the North Pole. There is nowhere Mrs. Claus rather go than a place without Santa and the male elves, a place where she can stop holding her stomach in, quit wondering if there's gingerbread in her teeth or how her hair looks ... and just unwind. Yes, there's a waterfall, but it flows into a chilly pool mostly used for taking a brisk dip after soaking in one of many pools of varying hot temperatures.

Yes, women are naked.  After stripping down to nothing and putting on a cap and robe provided by pleasant and unobtrusive staff, Mrs. Claus will soak to ease her muscles and open up her pores. Then it's off to an Asian-style body scrub ($50 for 40 minutes). An experience not for the faint of heart, but invigorating and relaxing at the same time, the body scrub treatment goes like this: lie on a table in a room full other naked women, get lathered with gritty sand and have it vigorously rubbed into the skin by a woman with powerful hands before being rinsed with gentle water spray.

Mrs. Claus comes home every time with ferocious glowing pink skin from head to toe. All the dead, dull skin cells had been sloughed away to reveal her skin's true potential.

Then she takes a five-hour nap.

Follow Santa's lead. Buy your special someone a gift certificate to the Olympus Women's Spa.

[Olympus Women's Spa, 8615 South Tacoma Way, Lakewood, 253.588.3355, www.olympuspa.com]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Childhood's general rule is that all things good for you are torturous. And Santa mean torturous. They taste gross, feel uncomfortable, smell bad and hurt in ways too horrible for your on-the-verge-of-tantrum mind to describe. It is the greatest tragedy of youth.

Then we grow up, and what was once akin to a bee sting has stealthily seeped into our daily routines and even our hearts. Like, for instance, fruitcake or naptime or Nyquil.

Mmmm, love 'em now.

So just imagine how excited the crazy mini-you would get if I were to recommend slathering your feet with organic coffee grounds and fine pumice with sea kelp exfoliate and soften while grapefruit and vanilla.

Lost you on the last part, huh? 

Tacoma's Serenity Spa's foot ritual is delightfully disgusting. At its core, it's an herbal complex enhances the purifying mud therapy mask from lush volcanic areas of Australia.  Tangerine and rose moisturizer with nourishing oils provides softening hydration.

Quite the stew, no?

Well, if the way it magically perfects your piggies just in time for naked fireplace season isn't enough for you, at least you get to squish around in the goop!

Serenity Spa also offers gift certificates.

[Serenity Spa, Awakening Foot Ritual $45, Grounding Foot Ritual $80, 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. Saturday, 706 Market St., Tacoma, 253.473.7830]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

My Christmas Eve commute is long, obviously. It's a pain in the cane to dial in radio station in every town. Don't get me started on radio at the North Pole. It's not great anywhere, but it's just especially bad here, people, and I spend a lot of time in my sleigh.

SiriusXM offers 140 channels of music, news, sports, etc. and just might keep me from plowing my sleigh into a 747, which I might do if I have to keep fruitlessly scanning the airwaves for another year. A year's subscription is $16.99 a month.

If you need the XM XpressRCi Satellite Radio Receiver with PowerConnect Vehicle Kit, it's on sale for $49.99 at Best Buy. That's a freakin' $120 off the regular price.

[Best Buy, $49.99 online, 214 S. 48th St., Tacoma, 253.476.4871]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

When Sam The Snowman's IPO came through, his wife decided to become Old Money. She was like an Athena sprung fully formed from Zeus' head, dressed in St. John suits and Christie's In London hats.She had dressed Sam up in fitted shirts, and replaced the wood in their house with Calder and pastels.What was awesome about the wacko behavior was she sent Sam and I on a tour of Sedona spas.

So we go first to Amara Creekside Resort and Spa, a Madame Tussaud's for aging trophy wives.This is not a success - the only excitement I found came by way of the outdoor coordinator, a beautiful Brit who lets me eat candy canes in the steam room.Would she like to get together later?I wonder.She would not, she says, citing "policy." This is my first disillusionment of hanging with rich people.

Next we try the authentic Mediterranean looking Hilton Sedona Spa.We spend four days together in one of the four suites. Sam went nuts over the cranial sacral reflexology. We decide that we've had a nice time.

I don't see Sam much anymore. You know how rich people get.

I did discover I love massages. While the massages at Patch's Palace North Pole aren't near the ones at Amara and the Hilton, it's still a massage.

I recently discovered another awesome massage. On a recent research trip to Tacoma, I stumbled upon the MSM Deli II on Sixth Avenue. You know, the tiny deli with the messed-up reader board and outstanding sandwiches. I'm chomping on my beef, bacon and cheddar when I spy The Turning Point Integrated Therapies across the street. I race for my life across Sixth Avenue and scored a walk-in appointment, enjoying a sweet hour massage.

Santa says give that special person in your life a gift of serenity, peace and relaxation from The Turning Point. Buy TTP gift certificates before Dec. 23 and save money: half-hour session $35, hour session $55 and hour-and-a-half session $85. If you're going to treat yourself, call ahead and book an appointment.

[The Turning Point Integrated Therapies, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday-Friday, 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Saturday, 2211 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.7876, website]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Say friends. Have you heard? It's the holiday season. Time to chug eggnog and nosh on matzo balls, and even more excuses to go out on random weeknights.

What will you wear?

Hell, Santa doesn't know. I stay far away from that department in the Castle.

The fat guy in the red suit needs help when picking out fashionable clothes for the women in his life. So instead of hanging around with short, pointy-eared freaks, Santa will drop in on Dame Lola's pop-up shop.

Rebecca Dashow has been dressing the South Sound from her Dame Lola stores for seven years. It was a sad day when she closed her Stadium District location. I'm happy to report she's opened a pop-up shop for the next three days at 708 Market St. in downtown Tacoma. Dashow and crew have local and emerging designer clothes on the racks, unique gift ideas for less than $30, caramel treats and beverages.

There's also a drawing for a $200 gift certificate toward a trunk show or one of Dame Lola's wardrobe styling packages.

Oh, free gift wrapping, too.

[Dame Lola Pop-up Store, Thursday, Dec. 1-Saturday, Dec. 3, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., 708 Market St. at Court D, Tacoma, Facebook]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Christmas, as we all know, is the season for giving. And it is better to give than it is to receive. Especially if what is being given - and received - is a hint.

Sure, you can fall back on that lazy, time-tested strategy of asking friends, romantic partners and family members what they'd like me to bring them. But some of you know better. You know that some folks need physical, emotional and/or behavioral tidying-up, if not a full-fledged overhaul. And you're just the person to oh-so-subtly suggest through your gift-giving not what they want, but what they need.

Like a haircut. All of the hairs cut.

All that hair sprouting up in socially awkward places may be completely natural, but let's face it - it's also often disgusting. How do you assist a person to whom the Follicle Fairy has been unusually generous? A Jewell Day Spa gift certificate could be the perfect choice. For her, a $120 certificate would cover a Brazilian bikini wax, underarm wax and lip wax; for him, chest/back treatments begin at $49.  Sure, the recipient might choose to use his or her loot for a facial or manicure, but you can come up with a - er - smooth way of steering that furry friend in the right direction.

[Jewell Day Spa, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday-Friday, 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Saturday, noon to 5 p.m. Sunday, 2501 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.572.5224]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Stop! Put back those musical socks you just bought for your brother. Yes, it's funny. It's also a complete waste of money. I'm sure the mistletoe, Bing Crosby and nutmeg put you in a trance. Through my magical snowball, I've seen it a million times. I've seen tears after someone redecorated a house as a Christmas gift.

That's not a good idea.

Other gifts that aren't a good idea: Ant farm, rooster, big porcelain Collie, rock tumbler and wooden nickels.

In conjunction with Elves Union Local 136, I present the following Santa approved gifts: picture frames, CDs, books, photo albums, specialty food items, alcohol and the 2011 Yamaha WaveRunner VX Cruiser.

Absolutely the Waverunner is a good gift. It's a great price at $9,199, tons of fun and it's extra special when the receiver of said gift must walk blindfold to the driveway for the unveiling.

[US Marine Sales, 3525 Pacific Ave. SE, Olympia, 360.455.0788]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

When indulging all-about-me impulses, nothing feels as regal as having those rundown dogs detailed and polished, even if you have to pay someone to perform such a task. (Warning: With many elves in pedicure service, the experience can feel more circus than regal, especially if you've seen the documentary, Elf Rub).

Based on need alone, it's hard to justify the cost of this practice on a regular basis. So what better guilt-remover than a prepaid tab at a spa, such as The Salon Professional Academy. Professionally trained students offer full salon services while under the watchful eye of industry-experienced educators, which translates into discounted prices. Spa pedicures cost around $19 - $2 extra for French and $8 more for a paraffin dip.

In fact, with TSPA's discounted prices, a gift certificate can translate into the full treatment holiday gift. The facility doesn't look anything like a school. It's fancy.

Tip generously to ease the conscience.

[The Salon Professional Academy, 3702 S. Fife St., Suite B102, Tacoma, 253.617.7007]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Christmas carols might have us believing that the holidays are a time of peace on earth and goodwill toward men; a time of love and snow and reindeer and spirit. Driving in traffic, standing in line at a grocery store, and dining with friends and family sometimes tells a different story.

Up here at the North Pole, you're as likely to be cut off as not let in onto busy arterials. If you signal your intentions to change lanes, it's entirely possible the jerk in the sleigh next to you will whip a reindeer to close the gap you could have squeezed in to.  It's likely that the elf putting on her mascara while chatting on her cell phone won't notice her candy cane red light, and will blaze through the intersection you just entered.  And then there's that Eskimo driving alone in his Super Sleigh, sucking up the space in the HOS lane.

What is etiquette about?

That might be the same Eskimo with a cart full of items in his cart, standing in the "10 and under" lane at Yukon Cornelius's Silver and Gold Market under the rationale that the four different cases of eggnog are all eggnog, so they should be considered one item.  Possibly, the elf with her cell phone, eyelashes full of mascara, might be in the next lane, bragging into her cell about how many Elmo dolls she can crank out in an hour, all the while blissfully ignoring the cashier checking her items. This is the same elf who might have breezed through her last haircut and color without tipping, reasoning with a shrug, "Well, it was, like super expensive, so, like, the hairdresser was still making money off me."

What is etiquette about?

Let's start with basic dining etiquette, such as watching your host to glean appropriate actions, putting your napkin on your lap within five minutes of sitting down at the table, passing the salt and pepper together.  All of these small actions together help reinforce the cardinal rule of making those around you comfortable.

Then there's the proper way to set your dinner table. I've been to many an elf dinner party where nothing makes sense.

If you're looking to improve your table setting etiquette, may I suggest the 13th Annual Beautiful Tables Showcase currently open at Lakewold Gardens in Lakewood. More than 30 decorated tables are showcased.  The exhibit of table settings represents a wide variety of holiday and special events including whimsical, formal and traditional settings. The showcase is a fundraiser for the gardens

Next year I challenge someone to design the kitchen table inside my castle's lunchroom.  You must be able to work with naked Bounty cardboard tubes, cupcake crumbs, an honor system candy and snack display short $4.50, a dried pineapple pizza topping, a plastic fork with one prong missing and "You Should See My Candy Cane" carved into one of the tabletops. Horrible.

[Lakewold Garden Estate, Thursday, Nov. 3-Sunday, Nov. 6, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., $10, $5 Lakewold members, 12317 Gravelly Lake Dr. SW, Lakewood, 253.584.6115]

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