SANTA SAYS >>>>

You will notice that Santa is not his usual blabbermouth self.  I'm not sure about you, but for me, this week is all about recovery, booze and a steadfast devotion to trying to break my own record for the shortest time adhering to his New Year's resolutions.

Right now Mrs. Claus and I are soaking up the rays in South Beach, Florida. Mother used to say, "Horses sweat, men perspire, ladies glow." Well, what we feel dripping down our foreheads and between our eyes is no mere glow. It's glorious! And so are these Daiquiris.

Happy New Year's everyone. Ho, ho, ho. I'm going to get back to my iPad. I'm loop the episode of The Golden Girls where I threaten to hold the girls hostage. Santa can't get enough of that!

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Whoa. Stop, take a deep breath, and put down the biscotti you've just sharpened into a stake. You are not alone. There is help. There is GRINCH.

Great Resources In Nourishing Calming Holidays was established in 1976, when a Pres. Gerald Ford loyalist found he was simply unable to squeeze out any seasonal goodwill; empty-handed on Christmas Eve, he made the nimrod decision to set the Christmas tree on fire instead of admitting that he hadn't done any shopping. His ex-wife, homeless, with the divorce settlement she received in early 1977, went on to found GRINCH, determined that no one else's Christmas should go up in smoke.

Though there are no official GRINCH chapters in the South Sound, Santa found a copy of THE GRINCH 13-Step Guide to Getting in the Spirit in Yukon Cornelius's Silver and Gold Market. And there it was. Number 9: "Embrace the Winter Solstice by covering your house in suns and moons and swath the lintels with fir boughs because they smell good and will relive stress through atmospheric control." It also said to shed your clothes and run around naked in the hedges made of brambles and white thorne.

It works, except the naked thing. The fragrance washes away the frosted glassy shiny tinselly stress.

If you want to take Number 9 to the next level, attend the annual Tacoma Winter Solstice and Candle Shriving Celebration Wednesday, Dec. 21 at the Mandolin Café. Open to the public, Goddess Chiara Wood will help bring you to center, wash away the bad and look toward the positive – then feed the hell out of you with a righteous four-course dinner and live music by Paddy Coyne's Irish Session Band.

Santa suggests your partake in the naked thing on your own property.

[The Mandolin Café, Winter Solstice and Candle Shriving Celebration, Wednesday, Dec. 21, 6-9 p.m., 18+, $25 advance tickets at brownpapertickets.com, 3923 S. 12^th St., Tacoma, 253.761.3482, themandolincafe.com]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Santa will be honest with you. When he thinks of this time of the year, Danny Bonaduce almost never pops in my mind.

Oh sure, back in January 1994 Donny Osmond and Bonaduce slugged it out in a three-round charity boxing match in Chicago. Bonaduce, theoretically free from the chains of substance abuse, yet still appearing insane, landed many left jabs to the thickly padded head of Osmond. Donny, who looked like he'd been doing "a lot of reading lately," did a decent job of keeping his hands up and did land a couple of silly looking hooks.

Bonaduce won.

Bonaduce is back in thoughts. As you may know Bonaduce has been named the new morning drive host at KZOK FM. His first day on-air was Nov. 14. That's all fine and well, but what's cool is he and his new Seattle radio station will bring holiday cheer to Tacoma Saturday. Alpine Tree and Wreath and Bonaduce will give away free 6-foot Douglas fir Christmas tree to the first 100 active military to stop by Tacoma Dodge Chrysler Jeep Ram, between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m.

For more details, click here.

[Tacoma Dodge Chrysler Jeep Ram, Saturday, Dec. 10, 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., 4101 S. Tacoma Way, Tacoma, 877.470.0220]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

LINK: Santa Says RSS feed

LINK: Arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Give the Weekly Volcano a "LIKE" present

PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

PLUS: 2011 Best of Olympia Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks