SANTA SAYS >>>>

The best-ever answer to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" came from Crow T. Robot of Mystery Science Theater 3000, who responded: "I want to decide who lives and who DIES!"

After that, we're all pretty much amateurs.

But in case anybody out there really gives an ounce of figgy pudding about making yuletide dreams come true, here's an awesome idea: Grand Prix Raceway gift certificates.

No one will die.

Thirty-five miles an hour might not seem like much, but it definitely feels fast in one of the raceway's ground-hugging karts on the Lakewood facility's quarter-mile track.  The raceway, which was transplanted from its original home in Fife, features a computerized timing and scoring system as well as a viewing lounge with closed-circuit video display. 

When you purchase a $50 or more gift card, you'll receive a free bonus race, which is a $20 value.  Get your holiday frustrations out on the track.

[Grand Prix Raceway, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday-Saturday, noon to 8 p.m. Sunday, closed Tuesdays, 11015 Pacific Highway S.W., Lakewood, 253.272.9000]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Every time a male elf hears a female elf mention she's traveling down to the Olympus Women's Spa in Lakewood, he transforms right before the eyes into one of those drooling mini Heat Miser characters with visions of naked women cavorting in waterfalls and splashing each other like a scene from a bad Russ Meyer film.

The truth of the experience is less tantalizing and much more rewarding.

Olympus offers a mellow escape from hectic daily life at the North Pole. There is nowhere Mrs. Claus rather go than a place without Santa and the male elves, a place where she can stop holding her stomach in, quit wondering if there's gingerbread in her teeth or how her hair looks ... and just unwind. Yes, there's a waterfall, but it flows into a chilly pool mostly used for taking a brisk dip after soaking in one of many pools of varying hot temperatures.

Yes, women are naked.  After stripping down to nothing and putting on a cap and robe provided by pleasant and unobtrusive staff, Mrs. Claus will soak to ease her muscles and open up her pores. Then it's off to an Asian-style body scrub ($50 for 40 minutes). An experience not for the faint of heart, but invigorating and relaxing at the same time, the body scrub treatment goes like this: lie on a table in a room full other naked women, get lathered with gritty sand and have it vigorously rubbed into the skin by a woman with powerful hands before being rinsed with gentle water spray.

Mrs. Claus comes home every time with ferocious glowing pink skin from head to toe. All the dead, dull skin cells had been sloughed away to reveal her skin's true potential.

Then she takes a five-hour nap.

Follow Santa's lead. Buy your special someone a gift certificate to the Olympus Women's Spa.

[Olympus Women's Spa, 8615 South Tacoma Way, Lakewood, 253.588.3355, www.olympuspa.com]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Ever look up from life's busy schedule and find it to be 3:32 p.m. the day before Christmas? You only have a couple of hours until the stores close and your due at Mom's for dinner. You haven't bought a single Christmas present and Mom expects you to bring the rolls.

Aren't you the pride of the family.

Don't look at me. I operate off a wish list. The elves are already three eggnogs in at Jack Skellington's Derby Lounge.

My advice sport? Head to Albertson's in Lakewood. I could wax eternity on its rolls. Instead, I will focus on its wonderful, overflowing tower of help for the chronically procrastinating: gift cards. Hundreds of them, crammed into a three-sided, 4' x 9' space: Sears, Nordstom, Cabelas, Bed Bath and Beyond, Lowes, PF Changs, Red Robin, Applebees, The Olive Garden, Starbucks, movie theaters, amazon.com, Game Stop, iTunes and on and on. One-stop shopping. Beautiful.

[Albertson's, 8611 Steilacoom Blvd. SW, Lakewood, 253.582.5844]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

LINK: Santa Says RSS feed

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

PLUS: 2011 Best of Olympia Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

SANTA SAYS >>>>

We all love to sing. Singing is fun; singing is cool. However, life is cruel, and as much as we all love to sing, well, we can't.  We suck.  Or, to put this in a positive manner, there are those who can sing solo and there are those who should always, always, sing in groups. The larger the better. For those of you, who fall into the second category, head to Lakewood Sunday. 

Director Tom Goleeke and the community and choir of Christ Lutheran Church present a "Messiah Sing-Along" so you can sing to your tone-deaf little heart's content. 

[Christ Lutheran Church, Sunday, Dec. 4, 2 p.m., free, 8211 112th St. S.W., Lakewood, 253.582.0331]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

LINK: Santa Says RSS feed

LINK: Arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Give the Weekly Volcano a "LIKE" present

PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

PLUS: 2011 Best of Olympia Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

SANTA SAYS >>>>

Today is Black Friday. Do you know where your hand sanitizer is?

Go Local Tacoma and the national Shift Your Shopping campaign reminds the looming Black Friday swarm to take it easy on the big box stores and see what's being sold at the Mom 'n' Pop.

I'm buyin' local this Xmas, thereby "strengthening the North Pole economy, creating local toy jobs and building communities." Yes, building, bringing people together ... unlike the GOP's order of importance on immigration policies, which was, quote, "[to be] richer, better, and more inclusive."

Oh my.

The Weekly Volcano folks have the word on this whole Shift Your Shopping movement here.

And the local rag also has a toy bag full of local gift suggestions here. Help generate up to two to three times as much economic activity in the community, and get some sweet gifts too.

PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

PLUS: 2011 Best of Olympia Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

LINK: Santa Says RSS feed

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

What the hell, it's a wish list. Why not wish for the namesake of Ford's legendary 1969 competition car - a sky-high 7,500-rpm redline run 2012 orange beauty.

I still have my 2004 Ford Mustang parked in the vacation home in Westport. However, it's time to grab the new model, despite its 260-horsepower, V8. With the 2012 Mustang Boss 302, Ford has shoehorned a 444-horsepower 5.0-liter V0-8 into the engine bay that smokes it. You'll want to take it from zero to 60 in 4.0 just to hear the engine's beautiful voice.

As Freddy Mercury once gaily crooned, "I'm in love with my car." Only it isn't my car yet because you haven't bought it for me. First one to ante up gets to ride with me through the Classy Chassis in Lakewood. The brushless, spot-free car wash is recommended by BMW, Mercedes, Toyota, Honda, GM, Ford, Jaguar, Chrysler and Saturn. Classy Chassis has perfect stocking stuffers. Gift cards and wash books on sale now with "bonus gifts" for each one sold.  

[Classy Chassis, 7432 Custer Road W., Lakewood, 253.284.6977]

[Classy Chassis, 105 7th Ave. SE, Puyallup, 253.841.9582]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

With Thanksgiving looming large, you must succumb to the siren song of the approaching Holiday season.

The folks at the Weekly Volcano have posted its first round of holiday events in the South Sound. Yes, they present this list awfully early this year. That's so them!

Click here for the scoop on movies, plays, dance, concerts, outdoor activities and festivals coming your way between now and the end of the year - plus other events that defy categorization and enough Nutcrackers to satisfy even those dance enthusiasts who don't know the difference between a pas de deux and the shag. There's also a searchable database of events here.

The Weekly Volcano will also offering four print holiday guides, the first hitting the street Wednesday.

Once you've baked enough cookies to last until Easter, spent three weeks worth of paychecks, and played all of your Christmas albums backward, break out those wool socks and long underwear and hit the area for something new.

LINK: Santa Says RSS feed

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

I have a modest proposal: Could we take the computer the drive-thru clerk is using, turn it into a touch screen, and put it out on the big sign where you currently scream at the crackling speaker? We can now checkout our own groceries, wash our own sleighs, and withdraw cash from the bank through computers. Why can't we punch in our fast food order on a little screen and cut out the error-prone middleman and that maddeningly disjointed exchange: "Did you hear me? I can't understand a word you're saying! Is anyone there?"

Bring back the Automat, I say!

Oh well, speaking of drive-thrus. The Lakewood Family YMCA will convert it sparking lot into a giant holiday drive-thru donation station all day on Friday, Nov. 18. From 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., drive through its parking lot and drop off new, unwrapped toys, non-perishable food items and coats and blankets for Toys for Tots and the Emergency Food Network to distribute to needy families.

If you have enough energy to pop out of your car, the YMCA will have holiday treats in its Community Room.

[Lakewood Family YMCA, 9715 Lakewood Dr. SW, Lakewood, 253.460.8937]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

After Christmas Eve I look forward to a couple weeks off - just chilling on the couch eating leftover candy canes.

Don't even. You try lugging a bag full of presents up and down about 100 million chimneys during one very long night.

But I digress.

Mrs. Claus is not a big fan of my "lazy spells" (her words). She'd rather drag my big red butt to the movies. And early, too. Mrs. Claus is particular where she sits.

Torture.

Them she discovered the slice of heaven that is the Lakewood Towne Center movie theater and its incredible, adjustable, extra cushy luxury seats that don every room. Now I can lie back, kick my feet up and enjoy the film half asleep ... just like I do at home.

Going early? No problem. I just settle in with a bucket of popcorn and enjoy the extra wide isles between rows wide enough for my one-horse open sleigh. It's like dying and going to heaven - unless it's a Tom Cruise movie, of course. Then it's just a manageable form of hell. 

I can think of nothing better for that hard-working film buff on your gift list than a gift certificate to this totally unique movie going experience.

Two fat thumbs up!

[AMC Loews Lakewood Towne Center 12, 5721 Main St. SW, Lakewood, 253.581.5351]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

The holiday season isn't supposed to be about panicked, sweaty shopping - even though every December you find yourself hip-checking someone who's about to snatch the last of the Isotoner gloves that you were going to get for Great Aunt Bertha again this year. Let's be honest. This sort of behavior doesn't inspire holiday cheer or goodwill toward your fellow shoppers. So get a grip this year with an adult-ed class.

Many of the winter offerings are geared toward the festive and fun, and some will leave you walking out the door with something you can use as a gift (remember what Mom said about homemade stuff?). And even if you've got nothing tangible when you complete the class, at least your mind has been engaged in some sort of creative endeavor. Writing poetry about the complexities of your brother's personality is definitely better than strangling him on Christmas morning with a designer scarf (the one you bought for him) after he's quick to inform you he already owns one. Below are just a few highlights being offered by Pierce College this season. Get inspired - and then go do something.

Knitting Jumpstart

So maybe your brother's not really interested in a chenille scarf (though who are we to say?). But someone's bound to be impressed by a soft, brilliantly colored knitted scarf that you created yourself. Learn how to cast on, knit stitch, purl stitch, rib stitch, increase and decrease, cast off, read patterns, and sew a seam. Also learn how to choose a project appropriate to your skill level and how to select the right yarns and other supplies. Bring 10-inch straight size 8 needles and a skein of smooth worsted-weight yarn for practice to first class.

[Pierce College, three sessions, 9-11:30 a.m., Jan. 21 and Feb. 4, $49, Puyallup campus, 253.864.3330]

Web 2.0: Blogs, Wikis, and Podcasts

In this course, you'll learn how to create, manage, and promote your own blog, wiki, and audio and video podcast. Each of these amazing Web 2.0 tools gives us a chance to interact, share ideas, and collaborate with others from home, at work or in a classroom. C'mon, click on. All the other kids are doing it.

[Tacoma Community College, Dec. 14, six-week online course, $94, website]

Get Assertive!

You should have taken it in college, but wait, that's right - you didn't speak at all in class, never mind with confidence. Who doesn't need some help in this area? Well, maybe those loudmouthed jerks who are always drowning you out in office debates. Learn to squelch self-conscious nervousness and state clearly and confidently what's on your mind. Discover how you lose your power when you talk and what you can do to get it back. Learn how to deal with anger and criticism effectively. In the future, let bossy relatives at the family party know that you don't want any more turkey, you're not upset because you're not married, and no! you don't want to live in Grammy's basement because the rent would be cheaper. Enough with the quavering, the umms, and the I-don't-knows, dammit - speak up!

[Tacoma Community College, online course, website]

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