SANTA SAYS >>>>

There is something awfully mysterious about yoga. When Santa first paid attention to the word back in the mid-1950s, I thought it was something Yogi Berra did when no one was looking.

For years yoga remained a shrouded practice in the United States, as if hoarded by a few Zen-like philosophers who didn't consider the masses worthy of knowing much more than that some followers had flexibility similar to a cat grooming herself.  But as the last century came to a close, and the interest in alternative health and fitness grew, yoga was mainstreamed along with green tea, acupuncture and sea vegetables.

Santa would like to clear up a few yoga myths. Yoga is not a religion. It is the practice of bringing your body into balance. Through certain positions, stretches and breathing techniques, you can restore both your physical and mental health plus increase strength in your body. Also, yoga is rarely a chant-fest. Yes, Kundalini yoga involves some chanting as part of its meditation, however most yoga classes subscribe to the Hatha philosophy, which places the major emphasis on the physical body.

Yoga is not easy. There are those who can, and those who teach - and your money should be on those who are certified.  Just because you know someone who is loose like a rubber band, it doesn't mean he knows how to safely teach you to be like one. 

One of the better yoga studios in Tacoma will be open Christmas Eve. Expand Yoga in downtown Tacoma offers original, 26-pose hot yoga and hot Vinyasa yoga in a heated studio overlooking a tree-filled park. Expand Yoga will hold a 10 a.m. hot yoga class so you can find center before tilting the hell out of it.

[Expand Yoga, Saturday, Dec. 24, 10 a.m., $8 drop in fee, 1015 Pacific Ave., 2nd Floor, Tacoma, 856.472.9642]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Nothing says "holiday spirit" better than telephonic contact with Lou Ferrigno, Ron "Horshack" Palillo, Larry Holmes or any of the other washed-up nobodies who are now touching base with their "fans" in calls of up to 30 seconds in duration. Just figure out which trash-culture vulture on your holiday giving list would most appreciate a call from a shameless Z-lister, pay the nominal fee, and said has-been will deliver a live greeting sometime in the next seven days.

You may have already heard about this service on NPR or a number of newspapers across the nation. But nobody has thus far pointed out the best thing about the offer: the chance to verbally abuse the star in question until he or she hangs up in disgrace. "So, you're Amber Smith, huh? Holy crap, whatever happened to you?"

The cost is $19.95 to $29.95 for a phone call. You can also send $5 email video greeting cards.

Order the awesomeness here.

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

There are many differences between the New Year's celebrations of New York City and Tacoma, the most telling of which is the trajectory of each ball. In New York, the ball drops - another year down the tubes. In Tacoma, however, the ball is set on fire.           

"We're really stepping up the fire aspect to mitigate the cold," First Night Tacoma co-producer Lance Kagey told the Weekly Volcano. "Last year, we had Zen fire gardens, which are very cool basins filled with black sand. You can draw in them with sticks and fire traces your drawing. We'll have those again. We'll have some fires to gather around for warmth. We have a big fire spectacular at the end of the night, and lots of fire performers throughout the evening."

As in years past a parade kicks off Tacoma's First Night 2012 nighttimeNew Year's Eve celebration in downtown Tacoma. And this year isn't any different. Beginning at 6:30 p.m. the "World's Shortest Parade" will march from the Graffiti Garages to the Theatre on the Square featuring representatives from the Dockyard Derby Dames, fire dancers, Metro Arts Dragon team and many more.

Of course, the World's Shortest Parade is only a beginning. A First Night Tacoma button will allow you access to 20 different stages and the museums, offering a wide variety of entertainment options. The annual, all-ages, family-friendly, alcohol-free New Year's Eve celebration follows the Chinese lunar calendar, and this year is the year of the dragon. In this spirit there will be two large dragons making an appearance at the festival - a 35-foot creation by Metro Parks Tacoma, and a 14-foot fire-breathing metal beast.

The entertainment schedule for the night blows my mind. Check out the schedule here.

First Night Buttons are only $10 before the festival begins. The buttons make the perfect gift. Click here to discover where you can grab one or 20.

So if you're just glad 2011 is over, stay at home and join Carson Daly and Justin Bieber in Times Square as they watch the ball drop. If you're excited to get started with 2012, head to downtown Tacoma, where the ball, and spirits, will be on fire.

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

The best-ever answer to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" came from Crow T. Robot of Mystery Science Theater 3000, who responded: "I want to decide who lives and who DIES!"

After that, we're all pretty much amateurs.

But in case anybody out there really gives an ounce of figgy pudding about making yuletide dreams come true, here's an awesome idea: Grand Prix Raceway gift certificates.

No one will die.

Thirty-five miles an hour might not seem like much, but it definitely feels fast in one of the raceway's ground-hugging karts on the Lakewood facility's quarter-mile track.  The raceway, which was transplanted from its original home in Fife, features a computerized timing and scoring system as well as a viewing lounge with closed-circuit video display. 

When you purchase a $50 or more gift card, you'll receive a free bonus race, which is a $20 value.  Get your holiday frustrations out on the track.

[Grand Prix Raceway, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday-Saturday, noon to 8 p.m. Sunday, closed Tuesdays, 11015 Pacific Highway S.W., Lakewood, 253.272.9000]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

You are doomed. You are all doomed if you do not give a gift certificate from Olympia Mahayana Buddhist Center. Buddhists have all that karma business in the bag, and if you do not give the gift of meditation, you will probably rue the day.

Arguably, the beautiful thing about Buddhism is that, by and large, it seems to willingly allow for adaptation, welcomes it and encourages it, in the full understanding that so long as clear, divine intent is in place there can be no real threat to the Four Noble Truths to the honest path. (Though there is no shortage of strict Buddhist sects who believe their version is the one true way.)

So maybe you'll be OK if you don't give the gift of meditation. Santa wouldn't risk it.

Give a meditation membership from OMBC and get your mind right for the New Year.  You're really giving relaxation, lasting inner peace and contentment, the ability to solve daily problems and find happiness from within. 

The membership provides free weekly classes and discounts on monthly special events.

Ooommmmmm.

[Olympia Mahayana Buddhist Center, membership is $60 a month, suggested membership is six months at a time, 211 Legion Way SW, Olympia, 360.754.7787]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Santa loves lists. Before he dreams of sugarplums, he makes a list of what he'd like to accomplish the next day. Santa is, in fact, so manic about his list-keeping that if he does something that isn't on the list I'll write it down just so I can cross it off. I earned it; I went out of my way. I went "off list." Do you have any idea how fricking hard that is? Do you?

The most famous of my lists are the Naughty and Nice lists I keep to determine Christmas gift distribution.

Here are a couple of my not-so-famous lists:

Things That May Be Tossed

• Used wrapping paper
• Old elf slippers
• My sleigh near the Horn of Africa
• Frisbee
• Christmas salad
• Rotten candy canes
• Cookies

Things That May Be Hurled

• Lunch
• Heat Miser insults
• Stones
• Meteorite
• Shoe
• My sleigh on Mt. Crumpit

Things That May Be Thrown

• Dirty looks toward elves
• Snowballs
• Curve ball
• 1919 World Series
• Winter Warlock conniption fit
• My back

I recently added "My back" to my Thrown list after last year's trip over the Horn of Africa. The turbulence was terrible. My back made a loud pop. It's ached ever since.

I bought a SeatCushion Pillow made by Tempur-Pedic. It absorbs and distributes my weight evenly so I may sit comfortably for long periods. It's awesome.

If you're looking for relief from back pain, Relax The Back has SeatCushion Pillow for $89.

I just wish it came in red to match my outfit. ... What have I become?

[Relax The Back, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m. Monday-Friday, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Saturday, 1-6 p.m. Sunday, 5015 Tacoma Mall Blvd. Tacoma, 253.475.2520]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

If you don't know about LeRoy Jewelers and the Art Stop, you should lose your title as a Tacoman. LeRoy Jewelers has been in business since 1941, and the incredible husband and wife team of Steph Farber and Phyllis Harrison operate it.

Through my magic snowball I've watched these two fine individuals in action at Third Thursday Artwalk, Downtown Tacoma Merchants Group, First Night and in advocating for the needs of small businesses, artists, the right thing to do and much, much more in Tacoma City Hall.

If jewelry is not part of your gift-giving plan, LeRoy also sells beautiful artwork, crafts and handcrafted house wares for sale in their Art Stop gallery, which is embedded in their jewelry store.

Santa would like to give a big shout to Farber for grabbing the Innovation in Classical Platinum Design award from the American Gem Trade Association for his platinum "Waterfall" pendant (pictured above). It's amazing and loaded with 19.9 ct. carved quartz and three rainbow moonstones accented with diamonds.

Nice.

[LeRoy Jewelers/Art Stop, 940 Broadway, Tacoma, 253.272.3377]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Every time a male elf hears a female elf mention she's traveling down to the Olympus Women's Spa in Lakewood, he transforms right before the eyes into one of those drooling mini Heat Miser characters with visions of naked women cavorting in waterfalls and splashing each other like a scene from a bad Russ Meyer film.

The truth of the experience is less tantalizing and much more rewarding.

Olympus offers a mellow escape from hectic daily life at the North Pole. There is nowhere Mrs. Claus rather go than a place without Santa and the male elves, a place where she can stop holding her stomach in, quit wondering if there's gingerbread in her teeth or how her hair looks ... and just unwind. Yes, there's a waterfall, but it flows into a chilly pool mostly used for taking a brisk dip after soaking in one of many pools of varying hot temperatures.

Yes, women are naked.  After stripping down to nothing and putting on a cap and robe provided by pleasant and unobtrusive staff, Mrs. Claus will soak to ease her muscles and open up her pores. Then it's off to an Asian-style body scrub ($50 for 40 minutes). An experience not for the faint of heart, but invigorating and relaxing at the same time, the body scrub treatment goes like this: lie on a table in a room full other naked women, get lathered with gritty sand and have it vigorously rubbed into the skin by a woman with powerful hands before being rinsed with gentle water spray.

Mrs. Claus comes home every time with ferocious glowing pink skin from head to toe. All the dead, dull skin cells had been sloughed away to reveal her skin's true potential.

Then she takes a five-hour nap.

Follow Santa's lead. Buy your special someone a gift certificate to the Olympus Women's Spa.

[Olympus Women's Spa, 8615 South Tacoma Way, Lakewood, 253.588.3355, www.olympuspa.com]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Poor Comet. Santa can't imagine why she ever thought things with Donner would last. I mean, he's always had his eye on a certain Artic Puffin - it was just a matter of time. The book Pleasure as a Higher Calling may not fix her broken heart, but she's sure to take some pointers from Tacoma author Savannah Aries.

Don't tell me you're surprised my reindeer can read. They freakin' fly!

According to Aries and her book Pleasure as a Higher Calling, If you're a single woman of a certain age, a healthy sense of humor and adventure is required to "stay in the game" of Love.

In this first collection of intimate short stories, Aries invites us into her world and shares her thoughts and feelings about the lusty new lease on life she discovers when she decides to wake up.

From the first story of becoming an inadvertent cougar, to her humorous travels in the virtual online dating world of love and sexuality, and her inventive ways of coping with the annoyances of actual air travel, Aries entertains with both the details of her amorous encounters and the unique philosophy she has come to embrace.

Know of someone who can relate? You? Amazon is selling the book for $7.99 here.

Aries has a Facebook page too.

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Where's my robot maid, dammit?

One of Santa's favorite TV shows was the Jetsons. Subconsciously, I firmly believed that by now I, like everyone else, would have a clanky, cranky helpmeet just like the Jetsons' Rosie.

I think the Roomba vacuum cleaner is as close as it's going to get this decade. A slick little flying saucer of a machine, it will navigate itself suckingly around the room while I eat candy canes on the couch.

According to the iRobot website, the Roomba sells for a whopping $350 to $600, depending on how sucky you want it.

However, there's a chap from Tacoma selling a Roomba vacuum on craigslist for $40. Click here to start the conversation.

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

LINK: Santa Says RSS feed

LINK: Arts and entertainment events in the South Sound

LINK: Give the Weekly Volcano a "LIKE" present

PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

PLUS: 2011 Best of Olympia Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks