SANTA SAYS >>>>

Whoa. Stop, take a deep breath, and put down the biscotti you've just sharpened into a stake. You are not alone. There is help. There is GRINCH.

Great Resources In Nourishing Calming Holidays was established in 1976, when a Pres. Gerald Ford loyalist found he was simply unable to squeeze out any seasonal goodwill; empty-handed on Christmas Eve, he made the nimrod decision to set the Christmas tree on fire instead of admitting that he hadn't done any shopping. His ex-wife, homeless, with the divorce settlement she received in early 1977, went on to found GRINCH, determined that no one else's Christmas should go up in smoke.

Though there are no official GRINCH chapters in the South Sound, Santa found a copy of THE GRINCH 13-Step Guide to Getting in the Spirit in Yukon Cornelius's Silver and Gold Market. And there it was. Number 9: "Embrace the Winter Solstice by covering your house in suns and moons and swath the lintels with fir boughs because they smell good and will relive stress through atmospheric control." It also said to shed your clothes and run around naked in the hedges made of brambles and white thorne.

It works, except the naked thing. The fragrance washes away the frosted glassy shiny tinselly stress.

If you want to take Number 9 to the next level, attend the annual Tacoma Winter Solstice and Candle Shriving Celebration Wednesday, Dec. 21 at the Mandolin Café. Open to the public, Goddess Chiara Wood will help bring you to center, wash away the bad and look toward the positive – then feed the hell out of you with a righteous four-course dinner and live music by Paddy Coyne's Irish Session Band.

Santa suggests your partake in the naked thing on your own property.

[The Mandolin Café, Winter Solstice and Candle Shriving Celebration, Wednesday, Dec. 21, 6-9 p.m., 18+, $25 advance tickets at brownpapertickets.com, 3923 S. 12^th St., Tacoma, 253.761.3482, themandolincafe.com]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Ah gingerbread. Not milk and cookies, but a simple thick, warm square of fresh gingerbread, gently flavored with ginger, attended only by a delicate fall of cold, house-made whipped cream. Oh how Santa loves it. I love to mash all the little leftover crumbs back together into one last taste.

The Crusaders are credited with bringing gingerbread to Europe, although not in the form we enjoy today.  At one time it was made with breadcrumbs and sweetened with honey. 

As with most recipes, gingerbread evolved around the world to meet the tastes of its different cultures.  If you sample gingerbread in a country other than your own you may be surprised to find it does not look or taste as you expected.   It may be a bread, cake or cookie and can range from light colored with just a touch of spice to dark colored and very spicy.

It may also be in the form of French toast, such as the delicious variation at BITE inside the Hotel Murano.

The Hotel Murano describes the breakfast it serves at its Bite restaurant as "traditional fare with an elegant twist." In practice, its breakfast - as well as lunch and dinner - finds a happy medium between the two aspirations - its food and décor are interesting and pleasing without being demanding.

The breakfast menu offers twists like a Northwest Benedict (cured salmon with poached eggs and a plugra hollandaise), "b&g" (cheddar biscuits, thyme white gravy, softly scrambled eggs and sausage), pigs in a quilt (smokehouse bacon baked in a Belgian waffle), eggs Benedict Royal (with prosciutto diparma and plugra hollandaise - on the salty side but delicious) and a tofu scramble.

It's BITE's gingerbread French toast with mint crème fraiche and orange butter that I love so. The three bread slices are as thick as encyclopedias, but moist.

This is comfort food with one eye on greatness.

[Bite inside Hotel Murano, 6-11 a.m. Monday-Friday, 7-11 a.m. Saturday and Sunday, 1320 Broadway Plaza, Tacoma, 253.238.8000]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

It's that time of year again. The squad is getting all angsty 'cause our gig will be done in a few weeks and then it's those long polar winter days with no rooftop-landing drills or running-takeoff practice to look forward to.

Santa is pretty stoked over the new GPS device Garmin designed especially for my 500-reindeer power jet turbine engine-driven sleigh. It has a sweet heads-up display.

The Garmin Polester4500 will come in handy when trying to locate Brown & Haley's outlet store.  Brown & Haley was all nestled in the Tacoma Tideflats. After a major truss failure, it moved its headquarters to downtown Tacoma. This summer Brown & Haley moved again, into the former Morning Sun building in Fife, where it also opened a retail outlet. Yeah, confusing.

On the brightside, I'm stoked Brown & Haley has added Mocha Roca to its line of tiny nut log candies. Coffee-loving addicts go crazy nuts for the stuff. I do as well.

Periodically, Brown & Haley will mark down a Roca flavor to 5 cents a log. Today, the Mocha Roca is on special. I'm headed down to score a bagfull.

Otherwise, Brown & Halley charges 20 cents a log.

Who knows what flavor will be tomorrow's bargain. The outlet employees don't even know.

Oh, the "boo-boos" as they call them at the store, otherwise known as factory rejects, are discounted too. A "pretty" 22-ounce can of Candy Cane Roca can run $6.99. The same size can full of boo-boos will set you back only $3.99.

Get the idea?

[Brown & Haley Warehouse Outlet, 3500 20th St. E., Ste. C, Fife, 253.620.3030]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

When attending a holiday party, it's simply good manners to show up with a gift in hand. Most people make do with a six-pack or a mediocre bottle of wine, but why not bring some awesome coffee cake.

Everyone likes coffee cake, right?

Santa found Alki Bakery's coffee cakes at Metropolitan Market in Tacoma.

YUM.

All year round, holidays included, Alki items include delectable cinnamon rolls, a selection of cookies and sour cream coffee cake.

Just for the holidays, special treats are offered, including peppermint white chocolate dipped chocolate crinkle cookies and apple streusel coffee cake.

Pair any of these with a packet of locally roasted coffee for maximum impression.

[Metropolitan Market, 2420 N. Proctor St., Tacoma, 253.761.3663]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Let's go to the mailbag. ...

Dear Santa,
As long as the malls are going to ruin our credit ratings, they could at least provide a few amenities. For example, the malls need to do something for us dads waiting in line so that our kids can see you. I'm asking you to place a keg every 15 feet in your line, just to keep up morale. And if alcohol is deemed too negative an influence on children, how about if your elves dressed a little more like Victoria's Secret models?

Love, Mike Thompson of Tacoma

Dear Mike,

Get you butt over to see the fine folks at BJ's Restaurant and Brewhouse, which is butt against the Tacoma Mall. Numerous stores stock all sorts of crap to entertain the women while the guys watch sports and drink booze at BJ's. The space is so nicely appointed that your significant other won't be disappointed that you've taken her to a place with "Brew" in its name. Even better, the big-screens are situated mostly around the central bar, so there's no way a guy can pay proper attention to his date. With so many games and commercials featuring nubile women flashing up there, I'm surprised more people don't discover they're epileptic.

The Weekly Volcano reviewed BJ's here.

[BJ's Restaurant and Brewhouse, 11 a.m. to midnight Monday-Saturday, 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday, 4502 S. Steele St.  Suite 1500, Tacoma, 253.472.1220]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

This year marks the fourth year of the Cash Flow Show, but the package is as awesome as ever. Local artists you know and love, slinging a bounty of artistic goodness priced at $25 or less, will set up shop at Mad Hat Tea Company this weekend and give you an even better-than-normal excuse to skip the malls.

Santa's not usually interested in art produced solely for sale. I still approach art as if it were meant for something. That is, for something other than making money - changing the world, for example, or healing the recipient or audience, or shocking an unsuspecting viewer into believing in marvels again - if even for just a moment.

But Cash Flow Show IV is, at the very least, honest about its intentions. People selling are hungry. People buying need gifts. And an inexpensive, hand-made something or other carries more meaning than a cheap, plastic-encased shaving set from Target.

Santa would hope, anyway.

This year's Cash Flow Show moves from its annual Thursday night showing to a two-day extravaganza. In addition to the awesome art, you can expect music, food, tarot card reading on Sunday and, of course, tea you can't find anywhere else in Tacoma.

Help Grit City's creative types enjoy a holiday season that includes more than pocket lint and Top Ramen. Because, you know, you're supporting their work with actual money. It's a win-win.

[Mad Hat Tea Co., Saturday, Dec. 10, 7-11 p.m., Sunday, Dec. 11 noon top 4 p.m.,  no cover, 1130 Commerce St., Tacoma, 253.441.2111]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

The soft glow of lights in a plastic gift box is always welcome in my world, day or night - must be the Christmas in me. I found this awesome gift at the new Sweets-n-Stuff store in the Middle Floor Merchants area of Sanford and Sons Antiques. It's yours for $20.

Sweets-n-Stuff carries, well, sweets and stuff. The store specializes in vintage candy, handmade jewelry, eco-friendly gifts and crochet items for the home and personal use.

Pssst, they'll let you sample the bulk candy while you shop, but don't tell them I told you.

[Sweets-n-Stuff, 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Saturday, noon to 5 p.m. Sunday. 743 Broadway, Suite 204, Tacoma, 253.383.7101]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

What kind of year did we have at the North Pole, in our restaurants? A very good year, mostly. It was a diverse year, a surprising year, a big money year - big, big, big money year. How much money went into the creation of Tavern on the Snow? Add up the Jangle-designed, internationally acclaimed igloo; the crack team, headed by longtime North Pole cuisine champion Jovie; the splashy dining room, and what do you get? I'm guessing it all cost a gazillion dollars, if not a babillion. Which is to say nothing of our brand new Le Stencils: To get that restaurant, they had to gut a dirty sleigh storage building, shanghai a parking lot and transform it into a sculpture garden filled with priceless ornaments, splash out for the worlds' most famous lighting designer, mix up acres of candy cane, fly Father Time and his team hither and yon, relocate various coastal chefs to the Pole, and corner the market on bread baskets which can double as Christmas tree ornaments. This was a big money year that made our previous big money year of 2005 - with the Winter Puck restaurant, the Jack Frost incarnation of La Belle Bundt, and the fancy rehab of the old Kringle House into Five Golden Rings - look downright cheap.

What restaurants will open this coming year at the North Pole? Don't ask me, I just work here.

Happily, the other trends I've seen this year have nothing to do with expense accounts and everything to do with saving money. For instance, The Melting Pot at the North Pole has a cool offer right now. If you buy $100 worth of Melting Pot gift cards, you'll receive another $100 worth of Melting Pot gift certificates to use throughout 2012. That's a lot of fondue my friends.

I understand The Melting Pot in Tacoma offers the same deal.

[The Melting Pot, 2121 Pacific Ave., Tacoma, 253.535.3939]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Santa rarely deigns to spend his glucose-based energy praying, unless it's for something serious and worthwhile. Which is why, for the past month, I've been clasping my gloves together, invoking Jesus and pleading for him to cargo-drop on the North Pole something I so badly need: The 2012 Yamaha Raptor 700R.

Let me explain. Two months ago, Leon the Snowman opened Leon's Hot Pocket Express about a mile away form my castle. It's a tasty chicken pot pie you can eat on the go. Leon's Hot Pocket Express will kick your butt right in its tongue; all the flavor of chicken pot pie with none of the deadly consequences caused when you're using both hands to fork a hunk into your mouth, and you burn your tongue. Best of all, three more wrappers and I can send away for the Leon's Hot Pocket Express shoulder holster - for when you need flavor, and you need it fast.

And FAST is why I need the 2012 Yamaha Raptor 700R. Mrs. Claus put her foot down on my portable pot pie habit. Therefore, I need to be able to get to and fro quick. The 2012 Raptor is the undisputed big bore sport ATV performance leader. Featuring a fuel-injected 686cc, fully adjustable piggyback shocks, exclusive hybrid steel and aluminum frame, digital instrumentation and more awesomeness.

The wifey instructed the elves not to build me one. That's why I'm praying. Praying hard.

For those in the South Sound who want a little of this ... the Raptor I'm mean ... you can grab one for $8399 at Yamaha MotorSports of Olympia.

[Yamaha MotorSports of Olympia, 6807 Martin Way E., Olympia, 360.455.9731]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Say you were to engage in a little holiday shopping on this wet late November afternoon. Say your heart was calling let's go local and shop in downtown Tacoma. Say your brain was listening. Say your wallet was, too. Say the Varsity Grill invited you to bring unwrapped toys for the Toys For Tots program. Say Silvia Cordova-Tapia was behind the donation program - the former El Gaucho bartender who has been delivering toys to local hospitalized children every Christmas Eve for the last 10 years. Say you liked the alliteration of Santa Silvia. Say all those years of lectures about generosity have finally (against your better judgment) sunk in. Say your donation entitles you to a free happy hour appetizer at the Varsity Grill.

What do you say?

[Varsity Grill, 11 a.m. to 9 p.m. daily, 1114 Broadway, Tacoma, 253.627.1229]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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