SANTA SAYS >>>>

There is something awfully mysterious about yoga. When Santa first paid attention to the word back in the mid-1950s, I thought it was something Yogi Berra did when no one was looking.

For years yoga remained a shrouded practice in the United States, as if hoarded by a few Zen-like philosophers who didn't consider the masses worthy of knowing much more than that some followers had flexibility similar to a cat grooming herself.  But as the last century came to a close, and the interest in alternative health and fitness grew, yoga was mainstreamed along with green tea, acupuncture and sea vegetables.

Santa would like to clear up a few yoga myths. Yoga is not a religion. It is the practice of bringing your body into balance. Through certain positions, stretches and breathing techniques, you can restore both your physical and mental health plus increase strength in your body. Also, yoga is rarely a chant-fest. Yes, Kundalini yoga involves some chanting as part of its meditation, however most yoga classes subscribe to the Hatha philosophy, which places the major emphasis on the physical body.

Yoga is not easy. There are those who can, and those who teach - and your money should be on those who are certified.  Just because you know someone who is loose like a rubber band, it doesn't mean he knows how to safely teach you to be like one. 

One of the better yoga studios in Tacoma will be open Christmas Eve. Expand Yoga in downtown Tacoma offers original, 26-pose hot yoga and hot Vinyasa yoga in a heated studio overlooking a tree-filled park. Expand Yoga will hold a 10 a.m. hot yoga class so you can find center before tilting the hell out of it.

[Expand Yoga, Saturday, Dec. 24, 10 a.m., $8 drop in fee, 1015 Pacific Ave., 2nd Floor, Tacoma, 856.472.9642]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

You are doomed. You are all doomed if you do not give a gift certificate from Olympia Mahayana Buddhist Center. Buddhists have all that karma business in the bag, and if you do not give the gift of meditation, you will probably rue the day.

Arguably, the beautiful thing about Buddhism is that, by and large, it seems to willingly allow for adaptation, welcomes it and encourages it, in the full understanding that so long as clear, divine intent is in place there can be no real threat to the Four Noble Truths to the honest path. (Though there is no shortage of strict Buddhist sects who believe their version is the one true way.)

So maybe you'll be OK if you don't give the gift of meditation. Santa wouldn't risk it.

Give a meditation membership from OMBC and get your mind right for the New Year.  You're really giving relaxation, lasting inner peace and contentment, the ability to solve daily problems and find happiness from within. 

The membership provides free weekly classes and discounts on monthly special events.

Ooommmmmm.

[Olympia Mahayana Buddhist Center, membership is $60 a month, suggested membership is six months at a time, 211 Legion Way SW, Olympia, 360.754.7787]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

As one of the most resented Christmas gifts ever, Claxton Fruitcakes have been the butt of jokes since the first one was baked in 1910. There's the old gag that only a single fruitcake actually exists, and is passed from person to person every holiday season, creating an illusion of abundance. Useful applications include doorstops, footballs, and building blocks for children constructing army forts on Christmas morning.

I love this Yuletide luxury. From October 25 through Christmas Day, I substitute rum-flavored cake loaded with raisins, nuts, and candied cherries for glazed doughnuts with my morning hot chocolate.

Last week Mrs. Claus stored my everyday red Santa suite for a Spandez fleece version. It's stretchy. Now I'm able to keep up my morning routine in complete comfort.

If your fruitcake habit has added a few pounds, and you're not comfortablke in your skin like me, Vision Quest Sport and Fitness has a 14-day free trial when you sign up at its website.

Monthly memberships run between $19 to $29 per month depending on your needs. Vision Quest offers multi-level aerobic programs and indoor cycling classes, elliptical cross trainers to wrestling and boxing. Services include physical therapy, saunas, chiropractic clinic, babysitting and a women-only workout center.

In the South Sound, Vision Quest Sport and Fitness has centers in Tacoma and Puyallup. For directions, click here.

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

God bless Papa Elf for sending me this one.

Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:

11:45a: Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.

11:55a: Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.

11:57a: I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.

11:58a: The shirt and sweats have to come off. I throw caution to the wind and decide to rely on my wit and conditioning to overcome any weight issues my fiancée may take issue with. This will take a lot of wit and conditioning.

11:59a: Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

OK, so you're fat. It's cool. It happens to the best of us. You have a few choices. You can either, a) rock the fat look (like me), b) starve yourself on the Atkins Diet until the lack of carbs literally causes you to go crazier than a hot chocolate-buzzed elf on Christmas Eve, or c) start exercising and eating reasonably. Personally, I'm a fan of option "a," but something tells me the "bowl-full-of-jelly" look doesn't look as good on you. So, then, the question becomes: Where do you do this "exercising?" Well, seeing as you live in the beautiful Pacific Northwest where it rains 300 days a year, I recommend giving yourself the gift that keeps on giving. Join the YMCA ... just like the Village People. OK, OK! Not JUST like the Village People; that was just Santa's weak attempt at humor. As opposed to one of those gross gyms where veiny, muscle-bound guys in tank-tops with Joe Weider Protein Shake stains on them gawk at you for how little you bench press, YMCA's throughout Pierce, Kitsap and Thurston counties provide ideal environments for getting some exercise and having some fun with the family. YMCA's all offer the usual free weights, cardio and Nautilus-style machines every other gym on earth has, but don't sleep on the basketball courts, pools, racquet ball courts, spinning, yoga, trainers, children's activities and short-term childcare.

Yeah, Santa does say, "don't sleep" on stuff. What's it to you?

In Pierce County find the Tacoma Center YMCA (adults-only) at 1144 Market St., the Morgan Family YMCA at 1002 S. Pearl St., the Lakewood Family YMCA at 9715 Lakewood Dr. SW, and the Mel Korum Family YMCA at 32 43^rd Ave. SE in Puyallup.

In Thurston County find the YMCA downtown at 510 Franklin St. SE, and the Briggs Community YMCA at 1530 Yelm Hwy. SE.

Monthly membership rates and joining fees vary slightly by age and family status, with prices kept reasonable and financial assistance available to those who qualify.

In Pierce County and Kitsap County visit ymcapkc.org for info. In Thurston County visit southsoundymca.org.

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