SANTA SAYS >>>>

Whoa. Stop, take a deep breath, and put down the biscotti you've just sharpened into a stake. You are not alone. There is help. There is GRINCH.

Great Resources In Nourishing Calming Holidays was established in 1976, when a Pres. Gerald Ford loyalist found he was simply unable to squeeze out any seasonal goodwill; empty-handed on Christmas Eve, he made the nimrod decision to set the Christmas tree on fire instead of admitting that he hadn't done any shopping. His ex-wife, homeless, with the divorce settlement she received in early 1977, went on to found GRINCH, determined that no one else's Christmas should go up in smoke.

Though there are no official GRINCH chapters in the South Sound, Santa found a copy of THE GRINCH 13-Step Guide to Getting in the Spirit in Yukon Cornelius's Silver and Gold Market. And there it was. Number 9: "Embrace the Winter Solstice by covering your house in suns and moons and swath the lintels with fir boughs because they smell good and will relive stress through atmospheric control." It also said to shed your clothes and run around naked in the hedges made of brambles and white thorne.

It works, except the naked thing. The fragrance washes away the frosted glassy shiny tinselly stress.

If you want to take Number 9 to the next level, attend the annual Tacoma Winter Solstice and Candle Shriving Celebration Wednesday, Dec. 21 at the Mandolin Café. Open to the public, Goddess Chiara Wood will help bring you to center, wash away the bad and look toward the positive – then feed the hell out of you with a righteous four-course dinner and live music by Paddy Coyne's Irish Session Band.

Santa suggests your partake in the naked thing on your own property.

[The Mandolin Café, Winter Solstice and Candle Shriving Celebration, Wednesday, Dec. 21, 6-9 p.m., 18+, $25 advance tickets at brownpapertickets.com, 3923 S. 12^th St., Tacoma, 253.761.3482, themandolincafe.com]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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