SANTA SAYS >>>>

Through the years, I have received my fair share of boots, coats, hats and long johns. You know ... the kind of gifts that either end up in the return pile or buried deep in the back of the closet to never see the light of day.

I've also received a mass of lovely fuzzy, warm sweaters knitted by my one and only love, Mrs. Claus. Yeah, back of the closet – handy enough to pull out when she requests but buried deep as to not give me nightmares or scare innocent children.

Ah, but the sweaters can come in handy, especially this time of year. AND it's time to bust out one of those bedazzled, hand stitched, thrown together balls of red and green yarn. Max Muscle Sports Nutrition store hosts another Ugly Sweater Holiday Party and Santa received an invite. I'm going to take the stash of cash back to the North Pole suckas.

Max Muscle's Ugly Holiday Sweater Party will be held Friday, Dec. 16. It's a fundraiser for the Puyallup Food Bank, which is awesome. Expect food, music, dancing and a silent auction.

So dig around for your ugliest sweater and face off with Santa. Warning: I'm bringing the Mrs. Claus 1954 Mamie Eisenhower Hugging A Snowman Sweater. Yup, you all are going down.

For more information, visit Max Muscle's Facebook.

[Max Muscle, Ugly Sweater holiday Party, Dec. 16, 6-10 p.m., $3-$20, Meridian Habitat Park Community Center, 14422 Meridian St. E., Puyallup, 253.229.4735]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Long ago, in a cold summer of your youth, you and your brother, and your sister, and your best friend, and the creepy elf from next door, spent one too many afternoons playing some sort of board game. You ate the popsicles, you chased the Snow Miser away, and you turned off the television for the marathon board game sessions that would determine The Ultimate Champion of Sorry, The Greatest General (Ever!) of Battleship or The Ultra-Detective Extraordinaire of Clue.

In Santa's opinion, the best board game of all time is not really a board game at all. Rather, it's an arena in which predator-prey interaction takes place exactly as it does in the wild, and Yukon Cornelius has been known to break down into hysterical sobbing fits. I'm referring, of course, to Don't Break the Ice.

What other game can equal the unbearable tension of the tap-tap-tapping ("a gentle rapping, rapping at my castle door") that marks the final moments of a Don't Break the Ice death match? Truly, it is difficult to watch as Nanook the Eskimo sits precariously on his ice-bound throne, counting on a player to save him from a fatal plunge into the inky darkness of the frigid depths. It breaks Santa's heart to think of it.

[Toys R Us, $4.99, 4214 South Tacoma Mall Blvd. Tacoma, 253.472.4568]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

It's no secret.  This round belly shakes like a bowlful of jelly.  Mmm, jelly ...  Sorry.  Where was I?  Oh yeah, I'm fat. 

I'd embraced my state of contentment with gluttony, that is, until one fateful Christmas Eve. Taking a breather from the chimney chore, I plopped down on a futon inside a home at Salmon Beach.  As I was reaching for a third cookie when the darn thing came to life. 

"Were these laced with more than sugar?" I wondered. My mind was moving low.

And that was my introduction to the Gingerbread Man. It seemed 10 feet tall.

It popped up from the cheeseboard with great amusement and proceeded to challenge me. "Run, run, fast as you can!  Can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" 

Dude, I was trippin'.

Even weirder, the antics of modern day runners popped into my head. I've been watching via my magic snowball the over-enthusiastic bunch out of Tacoma run every Thursday. You know the ones. They run three miles, and then drink six beers.

Why do people need to run? It's as if logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead.

Well, after meeting the Gingerbread Man, I now understand. I couldn't catch it.

I decided right then and there - collapsed on the dock - to make this cookie crumble.  No way, this is NOT bringin' a Claus down.  I committed myself to catching it.

I started training.

In the beginning, it sucked candy canes. Then I hired Frosty. Once that magic hat hits his noggin' - his form is outstanding and pacing impeccable.  He's more of a sprinter than a distance runner.  Understandable, since he's made of snow.

As the weeks of training progressed, I slowly started realizing I wanted to run farther distances.

I'll be a gumdrop - I began to take a liking to it. I even like it on Facebook.

Frosty surprised me with an early present - a secured spot in the Seattle Rock and Roll Marathon.  Apparently, this race is sold out every year.  The jolly happy soul didn't want me to miss out.  Ah, shucks.  He looked as alive as he could be.

Frosty says the course is complete with live music at every mile marker. Sweetness!  I love nifty jingles. 

It's rumored the Gingerbread Man will be there - donning its bowtie and bells.  

I'm going to eat your head, Gingerbread Man. Eat your head.

[Seattle Rock and Roll Marathon, June 23, $115 half/$125 full through Feb. 12, proceeds benefit American Cancer Society, website]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Say friends. Have you heard? It's the holiday season. Time to chug eggnog and nosh on matzo balls, and even more excuses to go out on random weeknights.

What will you wear?

Hell, Santa doesn't know. I stay far away from that department in the Castle.

The fat guy in the red suit needs help when picking out fashionable clothes for the women in his life. So instead of hanging around with short, pointy-eared freaks, Santa will drop in on Dame Lola's pop-up shop.

Rebecca Dashow has been dressing the South Sound from her Dame Lola stores for seven years. It was a sad day when she closed her Stadium District location. I'm happy to report she's opened a pop-up shop for the next three days at 708 Market St. in downtown Tacoma. Dashow and crew have local and emerging designer clothes on the racks, unique gift ideas for less than $30, caramel treats and beverages.

There's also a drawing for a $200 gift certificate toward a trunk show or one of Dame Lola's wardrobe styling packages.

Oh, free gift wrapping, too.

[Dame Lola Pop-up Store, Thursday, Dec. 1-Saturday, Dec. 3, 10 a.m. to 7 p.m., 708 Market St. at Court D, Tacoma, Facebook]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

When Sam The Snowman's IPO came through, his wife decided to become Old Money. She was like an Athena sprung fully formed from Zeus' head, dressed in St. John suits and Christie's In London hats.She had dressed Sam up in fitted shirts, and replaced the wood in their house with Calder and pastels.What was awesome about the wacko behavior was she sent Sam and I on a tour of Sedona spas.

So we go first to Amara Creekside Resort and Spa, a Madame Tussaud's for aging trophy wives.This is not a success - the only excitement I found came by way of the outdoor coordinator, a beautiful Brit who lets me eat candy canes in the steam room.Would she like to get together later?I wonder.She would not, she says, citing "policy." This is my first disillusionment of hanging with rich people.

Next we try the authentic Mediterranean looking Hilton Sedona Spa.We spend four days together in one of the four suites. Sam went nuts over the cranial sacral reflexology. We decide that we've had a nice time.

I don't see Sam much anymore. You know how rich people get.

I did discover I love massages. While the massages at Patch's Palace North Pole aren't near the ones at Amara and the Hilton, it's still a massage.

I recently discovered another awesome massage. On a recent research trip to Tacoma, I stumbled upon the MSM Deli II on Sixth Avenue. You know, the tiny deli with the messed-up reader board and outstanding sandwiches. I'm chomping on my beef, bacon and cheddar when I spy The Turning Point Integrated Therapies across the street. I race for my life across Sixth Avenue and scored a walk-in appointment, enjoying a sweet hour massage.

Santa says give that special person in your life a gift of serenity, peace and relaxation from The Turning Point. Buy TTP gift certificates before Dec. 23 and save money: half-hour session $35, hour session $55 and hour-and-a-half session $85. If you're going to treat yourself, call ahead and book an appointment.

[The Turning Point Integrated Therapies, 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday-Friday, 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. Saturday, 2211 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.7876, website]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

We all love to sing. Singing is fun; singing is cool. However, life is cruel, and as much as we all love to sing, well, we can't.  We suck.  Or, to put this in a positive manner, there are those who can sing solo and there are those who should always, always, sing in groups. The larger the better. For those of you, who fall into the second category, head to Lakewood Sunday. 

Director Tom Goleeke and the community and choir of Christ Lutheran Church present a "Messiah Sing-Along" so you can sing to your tone-deaf little heart's content. 

[Christ Lutheran Church, Sunday, Dec. 4, 2 p.m., free, 8211 112th St. S.W., Lakewood, 253.582.0331]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Tacoma's not generally known for its old-world charm. Sure, there's old thing in the city such as the Job Carr Cabin, Stadium High School, Engine House No. 9, Girl Trouble. Can't really call those items old-world.

Jumping on the national trend, Tacoma has received a taste of old-world today with the opening of an "European style market" in front of the Tacoma Art Museum. New York city saw a slew of makeshift shopping villages spring up last December. The Tacoma version, operating the first two weekends of December, is small, but worthy of your time. A Czech bakery is serving European holiday treats and local artisans are selling 1930s German glass beads, clothing, glassware, jewelry, button and Tacoma-themed shirts and bumper stickers.

There are also $5 camel rides. Santa is not kidding.

The ice rink and Two Five Trees tree lot are still happening, creating an overall Christmas village atmosphere.

[Franciscan Polar Plaza, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday, Dec. 3-Sunday, Dec. 4, also Dec. 9-10, 17^th and Pacific Avenue, Tacoma, website]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

You can't really have fun unless you're sweating. Think back to the most exciting moments of your life. Perspiration was always there during those fun times, whether you were running from the Winter Warlock or dancing with that sweet young thing you had a crush on.

Using those standards, no matter how enjoyable board games might be, they don't qualify as true fun. Sure, some underarm moistness might accumulate when that jerk elf buys Boardwalk from under your nose, but a real dirty, fun sweat won't emerge from Monopoly, checkers or any other board game. That is, unless you invite Twister into the category. (Technically, it is played on a mat instead of a board.)

Twister, the only product found at Toys R' Us that will instruct you to get in pretzel positions with a large group of people. Twister, the game that invites stamina, intelligence and agility into a snowy afternoon. Some people might claim they prefer games with a bit more strategy. But what takes more foresight, sticking your left foot on green with that fat elf and the girl in the poodle skirt in your way, or capturing the knight with your pawn?

[Toys R Us, $8, 4214 South Tacoma Mall Blvd., Tacoma, 253.472.4568]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

By the time Santa was 6, my mother had already figured out I was a little too chubby and clumsy to be in the ballet, but when I decided I wanted to be an ice skater, she didn't have the heart to tell me that might not be the best fit, either. For four years, I donned brightly colored leotards and caught the sleigh to the local hockey rink, where I failed miserably at learning the simplest turns and spins. All I really wanted to do was skate.

As I have mention before, the Tacoma Art Museum and Franciscan Health Systems have erected an outdoor ice-skating rink across the street from TAM for those who just want to skate. 

And today's the perfect day to try it out. Not only is the rink open from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m., and the neighboring Two Five Trees tree lot open, AND the European-style outdoor holiday market bustles in front of TAM, but a free community festival will consume the museum, too.

Sugar and spice and everything free is Santa song of today's Let It Snow community festival, a merry, merry tradition that's ho-ho-hosted every year by the Tacoma Art Museum. The free community event lights up at 10 a.m. and includes dance performances by Metro Arts and Grant Elementary, festive music from the Rainier Ringers and portraits in spoken word and image from 20 local presenters. While the entertainment fills the main floor, free craft projects will be offered upstairs. Create a pop-up holiday card for family and friends or an ornament to hang on our community tree in Tollefson Plaza.

Everything the Tacoma Art Museum envisioned this holiday season comes to fruition today.

[Tacoma Art Museum, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., free, ice skating $7-$8, 1701 Pacific Ave., Tacoma, 253.272.4258]

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

If you take a walk around Tacoma's Sixth Avenue today, you'll notice folks hauling arty delights back to their cars.

Junkaholic Deidre Norris hosts her last JuNkTaStIc SuNdAy MaRkEt, which will be held from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. inside the Studio 6 Ballroom. Local artists and vintage vendors will have their wares displayed for sale at the "little bit of this and that" indoor market.

Shop for vintage furs, boots, bags, sleighs, staked and potted garden art, magic snow balls, jewelry, vintage, elf shoes, collectables, re-purposed furniture, magic acorns that allow reindeer to fly, shabby chic, primitive décor, hula hoops by Deanna Riley, fleece and crochet items, Charlie In A Box and much more.

A food drive for FISH Food Banks will also be underway, so bring some non-perishable foods with you to help feed the hungry.

Stop by, shop and thank Norris for her awesome market.

[Studio 6 Ballroom, Sunday, Dec. 4, 10 a.m. to 4 p.m., free admission,  2608 Sixth Ave., Tacoma]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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