SANTA SAYS >>>>

You will notice that Santa is not his usual blabbermouth self.  I'm not sure about you, but for me, this week is all about recovery, booze and a steadfast devotion to trying to break my own record for the shortest time adhering to his New Year's resolutions.

Right now Mrs. Claus and I are soaking up the rays in South Beach, Florida. Mother used to say, "Horses sweat, men perspire, ladies glow." Well, what we feel dripping down our foreheads and between our eyes is no mere glow. It's glorious! And so are these Daiquiris.

Happy New Year's everyone. Ho, ho, ho. I'm going to get back to my iPad. I'm loop the episode of The Golden Girls where I threaten to hold the girls hostage. Santa can't get enough of that!

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Ho-ho-holy crap it's cold up here.

Well, friends, my reindeer team, Papa Elf and I are on the clock. Papa Elf is dialed in with the North American Aerospace Defense Command with the weird, kid-friendly website that tracks my toy-delivering flight. You may follow me here.

The Santa NORAD tracking tradition dates back to 1955, when some waif in Colorado Springs dialed a wrong number - misprinted in a local newspaper ad - and ended up talking to an officer at NORAD's predecessor, the Continental Air Defense Command Operations Center. The kid demanded to know where Santa was. The officer improvised. When NORAD opened in 1958, some PR genius figured it was worth carrying on the Santa surveillance.

NORAD uses some high-tech systems to track my sleigh - radar, satellites, Santa Cams and fighter jets - and has teamed up again this year with Google, which began tracking me at 2 a.m. Google Maps will have all the necessary flight information, or you can tune in to a 3-D feed via Google Earth. Parents with eager kids can plot out the exact right time to chill the milk and cool the cookies by using the Google Maps mobile site as well, by searching for "(santa)" on their smartphones.

You can also call NORAD for the latest news of my flight. The NORAD Tracks Santa Operations Center will be open to 5 a.m. on Christmas. Call 1.877.HI.NORAD (1.877.446.6723) toll-free.

Peace out.

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

There is something awfully mysterious about yoga. When Santa first paid attention to the word back in the mid-1950s, I thought it was something Yogi Berra did when no one was looking.

For years yoga remained a shrouded practice in the United States, as if hoarded by a few Zen-like philosophers who didn't consider the masses worthy of knowing much more than that some followers had flexibility similar to a cat grooming herself.  But as the last century came to a close, and the interest in alternative health and fitness grew, yoga was mainstreamed along with green tea, acupuncture and sea vegetables.

Santa would like to clear up a few yoga myths. Yoga is not a religion. It is the practice of bringing your body into balance. Through certain positions, stretches and breathing techniques, you can restore both your physical and mental health plus increase strength in your body. Also, yoga is rarely a chant-fest. Yes, Kundalini yoga involves some chanting as part of its meditation, however most yoga classes subscribe to the Hatha philosophy, which places the major emphasis on the physical body.

Yoga is not easy. There are those who can, and those who teach - and your money should be on those who are certified.  Just because you know someone who is loose like a rubber band, it doesn't mean he knows how to safely teach you to be like one. 

One of the better yoga studios in Tacoma will be open Christmas Eve. Expand Yoga in downtown Tacoma offers original, 26-pose hot yoga and hot Vinyasa yoga in a heated studio overlooking a tree-filled park. Expand Yoga will hold a 10 a.m. hot yoga class so you can find center before tilting the hell out of it.

[Expand Yoga, Saturday, Dec. 24, 10 a.m., $8 drop in fee, 1015 Pacific Ave., 2nd Floor, Tacoma, 856.472.9642]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Nothing says "holiday spirit" better than telephonic contact with Lou Ferrigno, Ron "Horshack" Palillo, Larry Holmes or any of the other washed-up nobodies who are now touching base with their "fans" in calls of up to 30 seconds in duration. Just figure out which trash-culture vulture on your holiday giving list would most appreciate a call from a shameless Z-lister, pay the nominal fee, and said has-been will deliver a live greeting sometime in the next seven days.

You may have already heard about this service on NPR or a number of newspapers across the nation. But nobody has thus far pointed out the best thing about the offer: the chance to verbally abuse the star in question until he or she hangs up in disgrace. "So, you're Amber Smith, huh? Holy crap, whatever happened to you?"

The cost is $19.95 to $29.95 for a phone call. You can also send $5 email video greeting cards.

Order the awesomeness here.

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

Ah, New Year's Day in Tacoma. Layering of woolens, drabbest down or brightest fleece begin to muffle forms and features. The back of the closet comes to the front; here's the Siberian yakwear. Gortex crests featureless bulk.

With temps hovering in the hi-30s and lo-40s, automobiles splash toward Point Defiance Park. The dude on the Schwinn pedals furiously down Pearl Street toward the zoo. What do intricate piercings feel like in the cold?

There's a crowd at the Point Defiance Marina. Everyone grips towels. Look! There's a frosted cueball, vanity tempting hypothermic harm. A bald man goes hatless. It's silly here.

Youngsters are separated from families at 11:30 a.m. A few are dressed as Batman. There's a Nina Turtle. A grown-up gives a speech. The youngsters cheer and run into the icy cold Commencement Bay. A mom stands in front of blue-colored children like Mary Tyler Moore after she's tossed her tam-o'-shanter. Look upward, she's lost her scarf, it's caught in the cold wind, the scarf flies, dervishing aloft on the updraft, higher still, unfettered ribbon above that neck, beyond reach, a second or three from its watery fate in front of the Tacoma Yacht Club.

The kids run toward shore screaming. One Batman is crying. The Ninja Turtle lost his shell. The children are rewarded with clothing, food and pats on the heads.

Teens and grown-ups inch toward the water. Surprising, there's another Batman. Mr. Speechmaker is back. The clock strike noon and it's into the water for these loons. A few turn back. Most turn blue. Spectators cheer.

Afterward, hot drinks are consumed in tents with heaters.

See you there.

[Point Defiance Marina, Polar Bear Plunge, Sunday, Jan. 1, 11:30 a.m., free, 5912 N. Waterfront Dr., Point Defiance Park, Tacoma, 253.591.5325]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

There are many differences between the New Year's celebrations of New York City and Tacoma, the most telling of which is the trajectory of each ball. In New York, the ball drops - another year down the tubes. In Tacoma, however, the ball is set on fire.           

"We're really stepping up the fire aspect to mitigate the cold," First Night Tacoma co-producer Lance Kagey told the Weekly Volcano. "Last year, we had Zen fire gardens, which are very cool basins filled with black sand. You can draw in them with sticks and fire traces your drawing. We'll have those again. We'll have some fires to gather around for warmth. We have a big fire spectacular at the end of the night, and lots of fire performers throughout the evening."

As in years past a parade kicks off Tacoma's First Night 2012 nighttimeNew Year's Eve celebration in downtown Tacoma. And this year isn't any different. Beginning at 6:30 p.m. the "World's Shortest Parade" will march from the Graffiti Garages to the Theatre on the Square featuring representatives from the Dockyard Derby Dames, fire dancers, Metro Arts Dragon team and many more.

Of course, the World's Shortest Parade is only a beginning. A First Night Tacoma button will allow you access to 20 different stages and the museums, offering a wide variety of entertainment options. The annual, all-ages, family-friendly, alcohol-free New Year's Eve celebration follows the Chinese lunar calendar, and this year is the year of the dragon. In this spirit there will be two large dragons making an appearance at the festival - a 35-foot creation by Metro Parks Tacoma, and a 14-foot fire-breathing metal beast.

The entertainment schedule for the night blows my mind. Check out the schedule here.

First Night Buttons are only $10 before the festival begins. The buttons make the perfect gift. Click here to discover where you can grab one or 20.

So if you're just glad 2011 is over, stay at home and join Carson Daly and Justin Bieber in Times Square as they watch the ball drop. If you're excited to get started with 2012, head to downtown Tacoma, where the ball, and spirits, will be on fire.

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

There's no better way to support your community than supporting your neighbors in need, especially during the holiday season.

The Weekly Volcano has partnered with the United Way of Pierce County on a 12-month campaign focused on the issue of homelessness and affordable housing. The weekly rag will be highlighting community efforts around the issue and helping raise funds to go directly toward affordable housing.

Today on its blog, Spew, the Volcano highlights Salvation Army Tacoma's efforts to keep homeless families together. The Salvation Army's family housing program in Tacoma has been providing emergency housing, improvement of life skills and assisting families and single women with securing permanent housing since 1983. Read the feature story here, and then give the karmic wheel a spin.

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

There are some hobbies better kept to yourself. You know, the ones you do alone in your castle late at night. And then there are some truly cool hobbies, like model railroads. These should be celebrated and dragged out in the open for all to admire. Which is why the 16th Annual Model Train Festival, downtown Tacoma's biggest model railroad exposition (taking into account, of course, the relatively small size of the subjects at hand because they are, of course, models), is being held Dec. 26-Jan. 1, instead of like, a half-hour. This gives you plenty of time to enjoy every floor of the Washington State History Museum filled with operating modular layouts.

These local clubs are providing model train layouts: 4D PNR HO Modular Group, 4D NTRAK Group, Mount Rainier N-Scale, Pierce County Lionel Club, Tacoma Northwestern Model Railroad Club, and Boeing Employees Model Railroad Club. Plus, the Puget Sound Model Railroad Engineers will be on hand to operate their masterpiece-the largest permanent model railroad layout in the state. Washington Operation Lifesaver, a program dedicated to preventing and reducing accidents at highway-rail grade crossings, will have an information booth set up at the event.

But remember to look both ways before crossing, and keep your pennies to yourself. 

[Washington State History Museum, Monday, Dec. 26-Jan. 1, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. $6-$8, 1911 Pacific Ave., Tacoma, 253.272. 9747]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

The best-ever answer to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" came from Crow T. Robot of Mystery Science Theater 3000, who responded: "I want to decide who lives and who DIES!"

After that, we're all pretty much amateurs.

But in case anybody out there really gives an ounce of figgy pudding about making yuletide dreams come true, here's an awesome idea: Grand Prix Raceway gift certificates.

No one will die.

Thirty-five miles an hour might not seem like much, but it definitely feels fast in one of the raceway's ground-hugging karts on the Lakewood facility's quarter-mile track.  The raceway, which was transplanted from its original home in Fife, features a computerized timing and scoring system as well as a viewing lounge with closed-circuit video display. 

When you purchase a $50 or more gift card, you'll receive a free bonus race, which is a $20 value.  Get your holiday frustrations out on the track.

[Grand Prix Raceway, 11 a.m. to 10 p.m. Monday-Saturday, noon to 8 p.m. Sunday, closed Tuesdays, 11015 Pacific Highway S.W., Lakewood, 253.272.9000]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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SANTA SAYS >>>>

You are doomed. You are all doomed if you do not give a gift certificate from Olympia Mahayana Buddhist Center. Buddhists have all that karma business in the bag, and if you do not give the gift of meditation, you will probably rue the day.

Arguably, the beautiful thing about Buddhism is that, by and large, it seems to willingly allow for adaptation, welcomes it and encourages it, in the full understanding that so long as clear, divine intent is in place there can be no real threat to the Four Noble Truths to the honest path. (Though there is no shortage of strict Buddhist sects who believe their version is the one true way.)

So maybe you'll be OK if you don't give the gift of meditation. Santa wouldn't risk it.

Give a meditation membership from OMBC and get your mind right for the New Year.  You're really giving relaxation, lasting inner peace and contentment, the ability to solve daily problems and find happiness from within. 

The membership provides free weekly classes and discounts on monthly special events.

Ooommmmmm.

[Olympia Mahayana Buddhist Center, membership is $60 a month, suggested membership is six months at a time, 211 Legion Way SW, Olympia, 360.754.7787]

PLUS: 2011 South Sound Holiday Happenings

LINK: Santa Says RSS feed

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PLUS: 2011 Super Best of Tacoma Bought and Sold Readers' and Staff picks

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