NEW DANCE NIGHT AT THE CLIPPER >>>

Slip on your Cleopatra Jones afro or your dad's toupee and slide on over to The China Clipper for the "Funky Empire Strikes Back" funk-soul-electro-eclectic mix with DJ El Goonie tomorrow night. His new Saturday night dance party series will be full of rubbery grooves, slick licks and hi-tech keys caked in stardust.

Goonie and his band of rotating DJs - tomorrow night features DJ The Jessica - created the dance night to fill a gap in the Olympia scene. Their goal is to created a spot to chill, have a few drinks, and if you feel the funk, then boogie.

Goonie wants to stress that it will be an eclectic mix with funk as the underlying bass - from today's music reaching back to the mid-60s.

"It's gonna be more fun than selling fake insurance on closeout cell phones at a mid-mall kiosk in Tacoma," state Goonie.

Yea, I have no idea what that means.

[The China Clipper, every Saturday, 10 p.m., no cover, 402 4th Ave. E., Olympia, 360.943.6300]

AIR GUITAR CONTEST >>>

The perfect outlet for people who think Rock Band requires too many real guitar skills will arrive in Lakewood Saturday night.

The folks from The Schooner Pub & Galley — who will host a Hot Legs Contest tonight at 11 p.m. — will host an Air Guitar Contest tomorrow night at 11 p.m.

Mastering the air guitar takes a lot - just not an actual instrument. Competitors will be judged on technical merit, because the more your invisible fretwork matches to the music, the more you might be able to convince people you're actually playing an invisible guitar, not an air guitar. (Call it the emperor's new Fender.) Not surprisingly, stage presence also matters, because, well, it's all you've got.

[The Schooner Pub & Gallery, Saturday, March 13, 11 p.m., 5429 100^th St. S.W., Lakewood, 253.584.1919]

NEW FILM NIGHT IN OLYMPIA >>>

Action film junkies, today is your day. And so will be next Tuesday. And the Tuesday after that. Your Mecca has become Tough Guys Tuesdays at The Urban Onion in downtown Olympia. Owen Taylor, a Weekly Volcano scribe, will launch the action movie double feature weekly event tonight with Deathsport and a special surprise flick.

"The films will be a blend of the best and worst, some campy, some underground, some amazing, all fitting to a few basic criteria: highly trained weapons experts, double-crossings, revenge, bullets everywhere, blood, guts, one-liners, lots of shit blowing up, car chases, horse chases, great sword fights, perfect hair, and always getting the girl/love interest," explains Taylor. "Oh, and gratuitous nudity when possible."

The films will be screened via a digital projector on The Urban Onion's wall facing Sylvester Park.

Food and drink options include $1 Millers, $2 cheap ass whiskey and yet to be determined food specials.

Also expect prize giveaways, trivia and rock ‘n' roll.

Will there be an arm-wrestling contest?

"Only if I can find a copy of Over The Top," adds Taylor.

[The Urban Onion Restaurant and Lounge, every Tuesday, 7 p.m., no cover, 116 Legion Way SE, Olympia, 360.943.9242]

TODAY - THE CHEAP WAY >>>

Hell's Kitchen in downtown Tacoma presents another Tightwad Tuesday featuring $2 tacos (two), $2 beers (any beer) and $2 wells (swell!) beginning at 4 p.m.

The Flying Boots Café and Spur Room in the Lincoln District celebrates Tipsy Tuesday from 8 p.m. to 1 a.m. with $2.75 wells and $2.75 Bud.

CALLING ALL CRUMB-CATCHERS! >>>

Move. Groove. Groom. Your mustache.

Masa restaurant hosts a Mustache Party Wednesday, March 3 featuring its resident DJs spinning the latest music video while you dance your mustache off.

Don't have a mustache?

You're in luck. Masa will give a free mustache for everyone that walks through its doors Wednesday night.

Drink specials include $4 Jäger shots (Jäger Girls will be in the house), $3.50 for 24-ounce Tacates and $4 "Mustacheo" shots.

There's no peach fuzz at this party (21+ only).

[Masa, Wednesday, March 3, 9:30 p.m., ladies free, cover for guys after 11 p.m., 2811 Sixth Ave., Tacoma, 253.254.0560]

FIRST FRIDAY SERIES >>>

Just as turntablism-the art of playing records-has made an instrument out of a medium, the movement's DJs have made the transition from enablers to performers. Friday's The Last Vestiges of Winter, organized by record-player manipulator/artist Oliver Doriss, seeks to put a little stress on that assumption by presenting three musical talents in an art gallery setting. Saxophonist Victor Prinsen begins the night with improvisational notes. At 10 p.m. DJ dAb presents a historical look at grooves including rare cuts paired with their modern counterparts. At the stroke of midnight Klik will offer a gut tingling set of modern dubstep.

Throughout the night the art space will be under a blanket of snow visuals.

What will result during this art-space party is anyone's guess, which is more or less the idea. Get spun for a loop.

[Fulcrum Gallery, Friday, Feb. 5, 9 p.m. to 2 a.m., 21+, $5 benefiting the gallery, 1308 Martin Luther King Jr. Way, Tacoma, 253.250.0520]

BE TIGER BUT DON'T BE LIKE TIGER >>>

I really don't care who is gripping Tiger Woods' putter. Neither should you. He's rich and famous and if he wants to shag every waitress who serves him a drink, what business is it of yours? People cheat. Even famous people.

If you do want to make it your business, one way to start is to attend Masa's "Golf Pro's and Ho's" party Wednesday, Jan. 27. Dress up like Woods or Rachel Uchitel, and share your opinions on the subject of cheating while throwing back a few Golf Cocktails:

Golf Cocktail

2 - 3 oz. Gin
3/4 oz. Dry Vermouth
2 dash Bitters

Combine in a mixing glass or shaker. Stir with ice and strain into chilled cocktail glass.  Garnish with a blade of grass from your golf shoes.

Masa will bring in DJ Niros for the party, as well as its own resident DJs. Many drink specials will be featured throughout the night. Those in costume will be admitted free.

[Masa, Wednesday, Jan. 27, 9 p.m., 9 p.m., cover starts at 10 p.m., 2811 Sixth Ave., Tacoma,253.254.0560]

THIS IS SOMETHING WE CAN GET BEHIND >>>

Cans in downtown Tacoma serves $1 drinks to everyone between 10 p.m. amd 2 a.m. Check it out at 100 S. Ninth Street across the street from the Frank Russell Building.

ICE BLOCK PARTY AT VARSITY GRILL >>>

Where there’s beer, there’s burping, and where there’s beer burping, there’s smiling. Beer enthusiasts from near and far will be gathering for the Varsity Grill’s annual Ice Block Party Thursday, Jan. 21 from 5-8 p.m. A $10 pass nabs you winter beer samples from the likes of Red Hook Winterbrook, Alaskan Winter, Deschutes Jubelale, Pyramid Snow Cap, Widmer Brrr, Sam Adams Winter, Snoqualmie Avalanche, Rogue Mogul and New Belgium 2º Below.

Live music and prizes are also on tap.

[Varsity Grill, Thursday, Jan. 21, 5-8 p.m., 114 Broadway, Tacoma, 253.627.1229]

Joe Izenman reviewed last night's Roman Holiday show at The New Frontier Lounge. His review is posted in the Music section under Live Reviews. I shot the crappy photos.

My favorite line from Izenman's review:

Roman Holiday looks like a bunch of indie kids, complete with the man-cleavage that comes from abnormally stretched T-shirt necks - you know the look I'm talking about, surely, if you go to many shows in Tacoma, as we are rife with indie kids, and indie kid bands, inventing their own chords and mumbling a lot.