Sadly, Bandito Betty was on vacation last week.  Someone in the Sidekick Teamsters Local #445 approved her vacation time without my consent, and I had to live with the consequences.  Union reps were not willing to negotiate, so a scab sidekick was needed.  For this, there was only one real way to find a qualified replacement: Facebook.

I updated my Facebook status requesting help, and accepted the first positive response from the first sucker with a heart rate.  His name: John Spevak.

The Office is located in the former Merende location on Pacific Avenue in downtown Tacoma.  Before Merende, it was one of my favorite lunch spots, Vin Grotto, owned by one of my favorite people and Weekly Volcano scribe, Kris Blondin. 

Good food is always coming out of this space, so I had no hesitation bringing replacement sidekick, John, inside to down a liquid lunch. 

Drink One: Bloody Mary (bartender's choice) - I wish I knew The Office's bartender (and local songstress) Lauren Lively back when we were nominating peeps for the Weekly Volcano Best of Tacoma issue.  I have no idea what she would've won, but I'm sure it would've been something phenomenal.  She's cute, personable, well-spoken, talented, and can make a mean Bloody Mary. 

Too bad Bandito was absent, because I'm most certain this was the best goddamn Bloody Mary I've ever had.  Fortunately, I had John, who quickly filled the sidekick role by heckling bartender Lauren with stupid questions about the menu items. 

Excellent job, Spevak.

Drink Two: The Watercooler (most popular drink within last hour) - Gin, cucumber, mint, and fizzy water over a large amount of crushed ice. Why, yes, it did somehow remind me of a traditional office watercooler. 

Nah.  Just kidding.  The Watercooler? How in the hell do these bar owners come up with these crazy drink names anyway? 

Drink Three: Elysian The Men's Room Original Red (my choice) - This chosen third drink - a radio show themed beer - became wildly appropriate after I followed a gentleman toward the back of the bar where The Office's bathrooms are located.  I can only assume he was illiterate (or blind) when he entered the one-person women's restroom and shut the door behind him.  Hmpf.  This left me only one option: use the men's restroom. For all those who say women take too long using the bathroom, I totally beat that guy in pee-time. 

Washing your hands is entirely overrated.

The Office Bar & Grill

11 a.m. to midnight Sundays-Thursdays, 11 a.m.-2 a.m. Fridays-Saturday
Grand opening celebration Aug. 14
813 Pacific Ave., Tacoma, 253.572.2222